Faith & Trust

Warning: This is going to be a long blog post, and it may be all over the place. I just need to get some thoughts down so I can make sense of some and just let others go. I have so much in my head after seeing my new oncologist. Everything hit me yesterday, and I had a day of letting go of thoughts, worries, fears and even some tears and some frustration. But before I start rambling, I want to give a huge shout out to one of my supporters who is doing a breast cancer run or walk in my honor tomorrow! Shout out to her and her mom, who will be there cheering her daughter on … and providing some chips, salsa and margaritas along the way, as well, I hear!

I’ll start with how I was feeling after my last chemo session. I had a really good nurse on Wednesday. I told her about what happened after my last chemo treatment: feeling dizzy and my throat closing up. She decided to run my chemo slower. I didn’t have a reaction, so that was great. I’ve been noticing some patterns with treatment lately. I go home and sleep immediately after chemo, if not on the car ride home, as well. I also feel lousy – nausea, headache and body aches – the first few days after chemo. And I am soooo tired lately, and by that, I mean FATIGUED. I have really been feeling physically and mentally exhausted, like tired that I have never experienced before, like the thought of doing a simple, enjoyable task is full of dread now, like I’m just too tired. My body is too tired to move, I’m needing to sit around more, and take more naps, and I don’t like it. I need to be moving. So, we signed up for a deep-water aqua jog class on Wednesdays and a shallow-water aqua jog with intervals on Thursday. I’m pretty excited about it, and I’m hoping it leads to an hour of treading water to being able to swim laps again. But I’m going to give myself some grace and just do what I can since slow progress is still progress. I went to the foot doctor this past week, and he’s ordering an MRI, so hopefully it will show what is going on with my foot. I’m worried about the shallow-water aqua jogging affecting my foot’s healing, but the deep water will be good. So, I have two MRIs and a PET/CT, and a bone density scan scheduled this month! More information, which I love, cuz I can do something with it.

I had to miss the Chiefs’ Dinner the day after my chemo session this past week because I was feeling lousy. I was really disappointed because I love going to them. I really have an issue with having to miss out on things because of cancer/treatment, etc. I try to talk myself out of the bad mood it puts me in. I try to think about all the soldiers at Walter Reed who have had to miss out on things, adapt to new ways of doing things, etc., because of their injuries. I think about people in worse situations than me and am amazed at things other people overcome and achieve after having to miss out on things because of their situations, but I still just really hate when I can’t do something I want to do because of cancer or treatment. Maybe it will eventually become a strength, but right now, it’s really a tough thing for me to deal with. I have always suffered from depression, and when I can’t do things because of side effects, I wallow on the couch in my head, and that’s not always a good place to be when I’m feeling down or depressed. So, I’ve been trying to pull together a little basket of things I can do while I’m resting on the couch feeling blah. I need to reach out to my support system when I’m feeling down from side effects, but I have a hard time doing that for some reason. One of my friends reached out to me and texted, asking how I was feeling, and that was the best medicine for that moment. When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2015 and people were asking me what I needed and how they could help, I asked that they just check in with my throughout my journey. She always has, and it has always meant a lot to me. Sometimes, when you’re fighting cancer – even when you’re doing well – you just need someone to check in with you. So, if you know someone who is going through cancer, and you’re struggling to know what to say or how to help, just check in. It may seem like a small thing, but it means the world.

I have some guilt about leaving my current oncologist. He’s really nice, really good at what he does and has had me on a plan of continuing to do what is working, and I’m very appreciative of that. He has been a big part in saving my life, giving me more time. So, I feel guilty about switching oncologists. But I am really wanting my care to be closer and all in one place now. Now, my records will all be with my primary care doctor, my specialists, and the local hospital. I met with my new oncologist this past week, and I love her already! She has a holistic approach to cancer care. She believes I should be eating natural foods (yes!!!) and that I need to be doing my part by eating healthily, exercising, and doing whatever it takes to keep myself spiritually and mentally healthy, as well. I have always believed in doing whatever I can, whatever is in my control, to fight this cancer, even though I know that, ultimately, I am not in control. God is.

My new oncologist seems super nice, thorough and compassionate. She seemed surprised that I have been on chemo and immuno for so long without a break and impressed by how well I have been doing. She said that if, once we collect some more imaging and data, and when we see the results of my scan on Monday, we may have a lot of options for my treatment, including a chemo break. She explained that there are risks of taking a break and risks of staying on my treatment and that we will discuss everything once we have more data. She ordered an MRI of my right breast (there are some radiation changes that she wants to make sure are just effects from radiation), a bone density scan and bloodwork. She suggested that I have genetic testing done again since so much has improved since the last time I had it done. When I had genetic testing in 2015 at diagnosis, I was negative for the BRACA gene but I was positive for a mutation. So, I am very interested in seeing what new information testing can provide. And she said that the chemo/immuno combination I have been on since 2019 is no longer even used as a treatment for triple negative breast cancer. I found that very interesting.

Since the idea of a chemo break came up, I have had so many conflicting thoughts about treatment run through my mind. I’m not sure how I feel about taking a break. I could really use one, but I know that, factually, my cancer will pop up again at some point, somewhere, and that is scary. Where will it pop up? How will we treat it? Will it start my time clock again toward death? Why am I messing with something that is working and even considering taking a break? What are the benefits vs the risks of taking a break? Do I rely on my faith and trust to stay healed? Do I want to go through possible new treatments with new side effects when I don’t have many on this regimen? Do I want to lose my hair again just when I am getting it to the length I want it? Do I want to be anxious every three months between scans again? Will a break make me a stronger fighter when it comes back? If I take a break, I can go back on the same treatment if it comes back. If I don’t take a break, when will the cancer become smarter than the drugs and I will burn through a line of treatment? All of these thoughts were really getting to me yesterday, and I had a bad day. I don’t want to make a bad decision. But I should be happy I am in a position to try to make an informed decision since I have options and am doing so well.

Tom reminded me this morning that we don’t have all the information yet to make an informed decision. We’re waiting on tests and results, and we haven’t even been presented with the options yet. And that makes me feel better. I need to focus on the information I have and go one day at a time. I need to keep my faith and trust. I need to keep the worries at bay. Right now, I have scanxiety for Monday. At this very moment, I have scanxiety for Tom, who is getting his scan this afternoon. Tomorrow, I will turn my scanxiety back to Monday. I need to pray and hope for another clear scan so that I will even have the options I’m stressing over. So, on that note, I will ask for prayers, positive thoughts and vibes, whatever you can send my way for Monday afternoon! I know they work! I will relax and think positive as I’m getting my scan, and I’ll share my results with you as soon as I get them and have processed them a little. I meet with my new oncologist again the next week. I’m sure I’ll have lots to think about again! I’ll keep you posted! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!