Faith, Not Fear

My chemo symptoms came early this time. Saturday morning, I worked around the house pretty hard, and I overdid it. I got really sick and spent the afternoon on the couch. Sunday, I went to a couple of antique/gift shops with Tom, and it wore me out, so I had to rest back on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. And, today, I am nauseated, but I am feeling much better.

I have been going through a little transformation in my cancer fight recently. At first, I was fearful and focused on statistics. But I have been reading a book from my aunt, and I am realizing more and more that I should expect a miracle. I am drawing on strength, hope and faith, and even though I have no idea what the cancer is doing inside my body right now, I am feeling better about the cancer, mentally and physically. I don’t know if I will get a miracle or not, but I have to expect one. I have to be positive and pretty much do what, I believe, got me through it the first time — basically pretend like I don’t even have cancer and just take the blood draws, the scans, and chemo as they come. I need to just live.

My good friend sent me a story to watch about a U of MN football player who has fought and won his battle against cancer four times. His parents knew the statistics and that the statistics get worse with each fight, but he was not focused on them, didn’t even know them or want to know them. He said that he needs to fight this battle his way. And, I believed that the first time I fought cancer, and I believe that now; I have to fight my battle my way. I know that is frustrating to my family sometimes because they just want the best for me and want to help. But I can be stubborn, and I am going to do this my way. And, from this point forward, I am going to fight with a positive attitude, just focusing on today.

And, after having watched Casey’s story, I am convinced that I do not need to focus on or fret the statistics. My aunt sent me a necklace in the mail today that reads: Expect a miracle. And I am going to do just that.

Casey O’Brien said that he is grateful for having had cancer because it taught him to live each day fully or to appreciate each day. I can’t remember if he actually said he was grateful, but that’s how I felt the first time I had cancer. I would never go back in time and change anything because having cancer taught me that we should appreciate each day and live each day fully. When I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, it was a whole different game, though. The statistics were dismal. But I believe I am back, and no matter how this battle goes, I am going to fight this fight focusing on the positive and just living each day without fear. There will be time for fear later. But not today.