Scanxiety is a Real Thing

I have been doing really well this week! I have had no nausea and none of my usual symptoms from Chemo because I didn’t have Chemo this week! I was able to get through the week with no naps! Sure, I fell asleep on the couch every night this week at 8:30 p.m., but no naps were needed!! I do have some immunotherapy symptoms — the rash on my head, swollen ankles and nail changes. I went to the doctor today because I was worried I had a bacterial infection from immunotherapy, which is common with immunotherapy, from what I have read. Turns out, what is going on with my nails is a fungal infection. My nails look terrible, and a couple of them are hurting, which is why I also went in. My doctor told me I need to cut my nails as short as possible and apply a couple of prescription topical to them for months. There is a 50 percent chance of success. So, I will probably have ugly, discolored, short nails for the rest of my life since I hope to be on immunotherapy for as long as possible. Small price to pay for my treatment and my life, but it is just one more feminine thing I have lost. I posted a photo of Tom and me on Facebook today from an early Valentine’s dinner last night. I didn't like the picture of myself — my face is swollen, my hair is fake, and I have no eyebrows or eyelashes. It was hard getting ready and getting dressed up to go out last night when I didn’t feel very pretty or feminine. But, Tom reminded me that none of that matters; he reminded me of what is important and what is love. Tom has never opened up to me about how he feels about all this. He’s a thinker, not a feeler. And last night, he opened up to me, and it was the greatest Valentine’s Day gift ever. Tom is strong and very positive. I was worried about him and wondered if he’d be blindsided when I die. He has been preparing himself, and so has my family, so I feel better about that. I worry more about them than I worry about myself. Hope we don’t have to worry about that for a long time, but I just want myself and everyone else to be prepared for either outcome. I try really hard to be strong and positive, but sometimes doubts creep in. And while I have been feeling great physically this week, I haven’t been so positive mentally. It’s because I went off of something that was working, my Chemo, and it is because my next scan is coming up in a few weeks. Still learning how to live scan to scan. I definitely have anxiety over my scans. It is facing what you have no control over. The facts are there in black and white. I can hope and pray, but those scans just seem so concrete. Which is why I know that it is important how I react to them, what I do with the information. I haven’t had a bad scan yet, and I just don’t know how I will react. But, as I tell everyone else, I should not worry until I have to. My scan is still three weeks away, and I am feeling really good in the meantime, so I am trying to just remain full of hope — hopeful this immunotherapy will work on its own. I will feel better in a few weeks if my scan comes back good, and I will know that the immunotherapy is working. I think it is my best shot for survival. I know there are other things out there that can help me, but that would involve a race against time. Immunotherapy just seems to be my best shot, so I will be praying it is working. It’s weird — with Chemo, you feel effects and know that it is doing something. But with immunotherapy, you feel so much better that you wonder if anything is even happening. I am hoping that my nail changes are a sign that the immunotherapy is doing something. So, tonight, I have a date with my nail clippers. ❤️ Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, and I will update from the Chemo Cafe next Thursday.