❤️

I wrote a post yesterday from immunotherapy, but I deleted it because my nurse ran my immunotherapy over 1/2 hour, and I was rushing, and my thoughts were all over the place. But I will update today to let you know that my echocardiogram came back normal, just have mild tachycardia, which is what I have known since seeing two cardiologists several years ago. I will have to wait for my next doctor appt. to see if they’ll send me to a cardiologist at Walter Reed.

One of my best friends since childhood, the one on the left in the picture above, texted me last night to say she might be making a work trip out to the East Coast and might be visiting me the day of my next doctor appt. It’s the doctor appt. where I will get the results of my next scan. It could be a celebration, or it could be a difficult day for me, depending on the results of my scan. Either way, it would be nice to be with her afterward. I know we will have a good time catching up and maybe celebrating, or I know she will listen and give good advice if the results aren’t so good.

I am struggling with some survivor’s guilt the past couple of days as two of my favorite former students, Henry and Jose, told me their dad passed away, and one of my dad’s cousins died after a very short battle with cancer. It is so hard for me to see people who were diagnosed after me die before me. I struggle with why me? Not why me — why did I get cancer, but why me — why do I get to live for now when so many others I know have died from cancer? I know it has to do with God’s plan, and it makes me ask all the big questions that there just aren’t answers to. It is just weird that when you don’t have cancer, you just live, thinking there will always be tomorrow’s and time. You don’t think about or worry about dying as much as you do when you have cancer. When, in reality, I could get hit by a car and die tomorrow. It’s these scans that make me stop just living and make me anxious and fearful. I need to work on stopping getting so worked up about them. Maybe as I have more of them, they will become more routine, and I’ll get used to them. I don’t think so, though. 😬

My favorite nurse stopped by yesterday to chat, and she said I should take a vacation now that I am on immunotherapy every two weeks instead of going in for treatment every week. I think about my bucket list places — Italy, England, and the French Polynesia. I am thinking that I would like to get this body back into bikini shape and just celebrate feeling healthy and relaxed at a hut over the translucent waters of the French Polynesia. With Tom retiring in May, a couple retirements I would like to go to for close friends in Chicago and Massachusetts, and a family trip to Wisconsin this summer, a bucket list trip will have to wait for a year. I hope that in a year, I will be feeling good and healthy still. That is the goal!!

Well, I am sure my anxiety will be a little high until my scan next week, but I am feeling so good again after treatment with no chemo that it should be a good week! Will update again after my scan next week! I am pretty sure it is on Thursday??? One day at a time ….