Life Lessons
My mom’s friend recommended that I subscribe to Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper after my diagnosis for something positive and inspiring. It is something I look forward to getting and reading every Sunday morning. I attended the funeral for Henry and Jose’s dad on Saturday, and on Sunday, Maria wrote: It’s my experience that when you go to a memorial—be it a funeral or a celebration of life—you often find yourself thinking about your own losses and your own grief. Your own pain bubbles up to the surface, yet most of us don’t share what we are feeling.
Ahead of the funeral, I was worried I would be thinking about my own impending death, my own funeral. I had to prepare myself not to be thinking about that but focusing on Henry and Jose’s great loss. One of my other favorite students, whose mom died when I was her teacher, was there, too. She came to visit me the first time I had cancer. I talked to her after the service, and she shared with me, and her sister shared with me, that they were thinking about their mother’s death and her funeral in that very church that they hadn’t set foot in since their mom’s funeral. They couldn't hold back the tears, and I am so glad they were able to share what they were feeling. I felt so much for my former students who have lost so much far too early that I didn’t think about myself that day. I was glad because I know, no matter what, I will be OK. I am so much more worried about my family, my husband, and my kids, my pets, who I will be leaving behind. Today, I wanted to update Peter on my CT results sinceI know he wants to know everything. He said, “I wish it would have showed that it has gone away completely.” I let it slip that this will never go away completely. I was trying to explain why stable results were good results. He looked pained. Tomasz told me the other day he was depressed because of my cancer, worrying about what it would be like without a mom and what effect my death would have on Tom.
So, this weekend, I am not thinking of myself — I am elated by my results from this scan — I am thinking more of the ones who are and will be hurting. I am thinking of Henry, Jose and Carolina and my own family. ❤️ The service was in Spanish, and I could only follow half of what was being said with my limited Spanish, so I had some time to think during the Mass. I thought about how strong Carolina, Henry and Jose are. And I am glad I went to the funeral because they are examples of strength for me. They are my heroes. And while I was their teacher for English, they have taught me a great lesson about life, and death.
I spent the day today in the ER since Urgent Care was booked today. I have a skin infection on my chest. Now, I know I need to be careful because I have an infection in my nails and a skin infection. The good news is that they ran bloodwork, and my levels are all good, so although I am getting infections easily, and I am bleeding easily now, I think my immune system is still pretty strong.
Sorry for the long text about what is on my mind this weekend regarding cancer. It’s not really an update; it’s more of where my mind is at now, My post on Wednesday should be more of an update after I meet with my oncologist.