Things That Make You Go Hmmm ...

So sorry I haven’t written from Chemo the past couple of weeks! I promise that no news has been good news! I have been sooooo busy with just living life that I haven’t thought about cancer for a long time! However, a scan is coming up, so I’ve started to think about it again, but more about that later. Tom and I have had some really good things and changes going on in our lives lately, and it makes me so happy that I can live life more positively and with less stress lately, which I think really contributes to good health and, hopefully, continued NED for me. I’m having some scanxiety, but I am really hopeful for another good scan. And since I haven’t had time to write or gather my thoughts on cancer recently till now, you’ll have to deal with a long post!

Despite not really thinking about cancer, lots of good things have been happening in regard to my cancer. First, I’ve been thinking a lot about things that make me go … hmmm … It’s kind of like looking at the clock all the time at 11:11 for me. Throughout my life, like others, I have always glanced at the clock when it’s 11:11, at least so much so that I’ve noticed it. My mom and my daughter always seem to look at it at 1:11. I am going to tell them to think of me at those times after I am gone and know that I am thinking of them at those times.

A lot of “weird”, “eery” coincidences have been happening since I last wrote.  I received a pair of running socks from one of my biggest supporters, and the ribbons she tied the bag with to match the socks were the metastatic breast cancer ribbon colors by sheer coincidence! The socks were a perfect gift for me, too, because I have started running again. My husband, daughter and I signed up tor the local breast cancer awareness run this October. It’s a run along the water, so it will be nice!

I went home to Minnesota for a quick weekend trip, and I met with my aunt and uncle’s former pastor, and he anointed me with oil and prayed over me. We were talking, and the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow came up. It stuck with me because it’s a nostalgic song that was tucked into memory. I thought of heaven. When I got home, my husband and I went out to a restaurant to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, and Somewhere Over the Rainbow came on in the background music. Then, I was at a doctor appointment, and the song came on again! It was just odd that that song that is so old -- and one that I never hear -- came on twice in one week! Little things like that have been happening a lot lately.

I also received another very special gift when I was home. One of my mom’s friends has been on a long cancer journey, as well, and I pray for her every Tuesday when I am at Adoration. She prays for me, and I pray for her. She gave my mom a bag for me during one of their recent visits, and it contained a beautiful bracelet that I will treasure. It keeps her close in my thoughts and prayers and reminds me that I am not fighting alone every time I look at it.

I have also gotten several boxes from the Stay Beautiful Foundation. I have forgotten all the wonderful products I have gotten since I wrote last, but I know that they were all awesome, full-sized products that were chemical free. These are products that cancer patients can really use and make them feel so good. If you know anyone fighting cancer, their boxes make such a good, thoughtful gift. I whole-heartedly support the Stay Beautiful Foundation, and I am so thankful for all the wonderful things I have received from them. They even gave me a treat in one of the recent boxes – my favorite Lemonheads! I have a real weakness for sour candy!! I’d rather have that than pie, cake or cookies -- but not ice cream!! Nothing beats ice cream.  

I am really wanting to go the National Cathedral origami exhibit in the next couple of weeks while it’s still here. I’ve been to the outside of the cathedral twice but have never been in it. Now inside, there are trails of origami doves hanging suspended in the air. They symbolize hope (my word for this part of my journey) and the Holy Spirit. The doves are supposed to be breathtakingly beautiful when colored by the stained-glass windows. I would like to go before my next scan. I will have my next scan on August 5. I’ll have a PET Scan – CT from skull to thigh. Hoping for great results, but the scanxiety is starting to settle in a bit.

Oh, and I’ve heard from several people who read my blog who think that I don’t share the bad side of my cancer journey! I just wanted to let everyone know that I want to always be honest about what I’m thinking and feeling about cancer and my journey. I want to be real. I want to focus on positivity throughout my journey, and I have been so fortunate for my journey to be pretty easy so far. But when things get bad or upsetting, I want to be real. I want people to know what having metastatic breast cancer is like, and I want to help others who are going through the same thing. I am so blessed to have had the journey I have had so far, and I even feel like I would go through everything all over again if it meant learning everything that having cancer has taught me. But I know not everyone is so lucky. And I don’t know what my future holds. But, for now, I am really trying to focus on the positive because I know that is so good for my health, my cancer and my journey.

But, here’s some of the not-so-good stuff: I’ve noticed a new pattern with chemo/immune. I am not having a reaction the first couple of days after chemo anymore. I’m having it about a week later the past few times. I feel blah, foggy and I have a headache. And yesterday, I threw up a few times, which hasn’t happened in a long time.

I think I am reacting more to the chemo a bit now. My scan results aren’t scaring me as much as the thought of one day having to give up a treatment that is working because my body can no longer handle it.

The side effects I get from this regimen are in my knees and my neck and shoulders. My knees creak every time I go up and down stairs, and now I am having a harder time going up stairs (I have to take them pretty slowly and hold onto the railing), getting up from bending over or after I’ve been sitting a while. I read up on the muscle/bone/joint pain (not sure which it is), and I bought some Vitamin D and Claritin, which helps with bone pain. I know, weird, but it does.

When I can’t do something, I start to think about cancer. I don’t want to think about it, so I’m going to try to get rid of the pain. I am going to do my best to NOT stop chemo due to my body not being able to handle it. This treatment is my best shot right now, and I’m going to fight through my symptoms and any that develop as a result of being on it for so long. I guess that’s where my fight comes in. It might not be fighting the cancer, if I remain NED, it might be fighting the chemo effects.

Luckily, I am just doing great right now. I will try to keep the scanxiety at bay for the next couple of weeks, and I’ll try to write from chemo in a few days. It is harder to write now that we can have visitors again – yay!! But if I don’t update from chemo, I will update within the next couple weeks!  Take care, and stay safe and healthy, everyone!