The Season is Changing
There’s a slight chill in the air in the mornings and evenings now. I’m starting to get in the mood for Pumpkin Spice Lattes, sweatshirts, orchards and the bright, colorful leaves of Calvert County. It all makes me think of the change in seasons and the changes I’ve been going through. I’m not the same person I was before cancer. People who know me best see the change. I don’t know if it’s good or bad; it’s just different. I am more easy going, peaceful, and I don’t sweat the small stuff. I am more interested in spending time with people and not the hustle and bustle of life. And therein lies the problem with thriving. You’ve all seen the commercials on TV about metastatic breast cancer and how patients are thriving now, thanks to the latest treatments. I’ve always considered myself a thriver and want to be an example that some women can live and thrive with this disease, but I have one big problem with thriving. It’s exhausting. I am most productive in the mornings. I wear down, and my whole body is tired by one or two in the afternoon. I can’t get everything I want to do in my days done. One chore seems to wear me out. It’s frustrating. I want to keep going, to clean the entire house in one or two days like I used to be able to do. I just want to keep going, going, going with whatever is on my agenda for the day, but everything seems to have to stop in the early afternoon. I keep busy with things I can do while sitting down and resting. But I’m pretty hard on myself for resting. And I don’t think everyone around me gets that I really need to rest a lot. That’s because I try to keep acting like I feel “normal.” I want everything to be “normal,” the way it was before cancer. Fatigue seems to be the one symptom I’ve had trouble with on this regimen. I get down on myself, but then I think, “Hey, you don’t nap (I kind of refuse!). It’s OK to rest; it’s good for your body to rest so the chemo and immunotherapy can work.” But I feel guilty resting in the afternoons, things don’t get done that I want to get done, and it’s frustrating to me and to those I live with.
I’ve had to learn how to be nice to and understanding of myself, compassionate toward myself. I am so afraid of the days when I won’t be able to do much in a day, when I won’t be able to do things for myself. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. It’s going to be really hard for me. It’s already hard for me, and I’m burdening myself with guilt. I’m not writing all this because I need help. Ask anyone close to me, and they’ll tell you I’ll bite your head off if you offer to help me in any way right now! That’s because I am able to do things for myself, and I’m going to enjoy doing things for myself and by myself for as long as possible. It’s just frustrating to me that I can’t do everything anymore without a lot of rest. I have to learn that it’s OK to rest and stop feeling guilty about it so that I can keep thriving. I just wanted to talk about it today while I’m trying to exercise, clean, write and get everything I want to get done today before 1 p.m. when I know I’ll need an espresso and rest — while I’m thriving! — because I know there are other thrivers out there who might be feeling the same frustrations and guilt while they’re thriving. I am so thrilled that some women can thrive and live with this disease now, and they’re my heroes. There are thrivers with littles, thrivers who work full time, and thrivers who deal with a lot of symptoms from their treatments, and they are wonder women.
I guess I am just going to have to become Super Girl in the mornings and work out and clean and write in the mornings and save the afternoons for some fun fall activities. Can’t wait to go apple picking, to pumpkin patches and the local farms to look for purple mums for my front porch. I know being outside in the crisp autumn air will be good for my soul and reinvigorating for my spirit. I’ll be able to rest without feeling guilty, and I’ll be able to thrive through the fall till my next scan in December or January.
Stay safe and healthy, and Happy Fall, everyone!