Hakuna Matata

Good Morning from chemo! The sun is shining, and I’m sitting in my favorite spot, a chair by the window. No visitors again today, so I brought a book, my to-do list to work on, and thought I’d start out by blogging while I wait for my blood work to come back and my chemo to be mixed. I met with my doctor last week. Nothing new to report since my scan was great. Will continue on chemo and immunotherapy. I will see him every two months now instead of every month, and my scan will be pushed back from three months to four, so my next one will be in April. Everything is going well, so I am starting to think that maybe I can hope for more of a future now with metastatic cancer. I’m not thinking so short term now, I’m setting goals past this year, and I’ve gotten over thinking that I have to do as much as possible with my days and that I have to get everything in before I die. I’m just living, and it feels good. Less worrying, although it’s always there. That’s the lonely part of living with metastatic cancer — life is the same, yet it it’s different. There will always be this little cloud hanging over me asking when. When will I get sick? When will the cancer come back? When will I die? And it makes it hard to fully live, which is what cancer is trying to teach me to do. Ironic.

I am feeling great, except for the fatigue, but I’m used to it, and I’m even starting to accept it instead of trying to fight it by refusing to nap and by drinking espresso every afternoon. I am accepting that I have to do anything that requires energy in the morning, and I’m accepting that I just wear out every afternoon. I usually have a little mental meltdown after dinner when I’m doing dishes and my body is just achy all over, and I’m tired from pushing through the day and trying to do everything I need to and want to despite chemo. My hair is growing longer! I can get it into a low ponytail with no problem now, which helps when I’m working out. My nails are getting longer and stronger again now that I’m keeping them under wraps. And I’ve started the Dash/Mediterranean Diet to help my husband reduce salt in his diet to lower his blood pressure. It’s pretty much just a natural foods diet, which I love and is how I normally prefer to eat/cook anyway, so it’s feeling good to be eating healthy and working out again. The goal is to get back to swimming by April. I have to force myself to work out every day because of the lack of energy, but once I get going, it feels great. I feel so much like myself again that I am really dreading having to someday switch treatments, lose my hair again, and go through everything again. Sometimes, I forget that I need to stay in the fight because it’s not over, but while I’m in remission, it just feels so good, and I want to forget the word “metastatic.” Definitely more of a mental battle than a physical battle right now. And I’d rather have it that way! Still celebrating my latest scan results and am trying hard to remember the problem-free philosophy Hakuna Matata. I’ll write from chemo again in two weeks! Premeds just arrived, and I’m going to relax for the next two hours. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!