Rollercoaster 🎶

I wrote a post that was all over the place the other day. I deleted it, not because I didn’t want to be honest about my thoughts and feelings on this journey, but because I needed a few days this week to process everything I’ve been thinking and feeling lately. It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and while I love all the awareness and support and all the pink and being supported by sisterhood, an entire month of being confronted with what I’m trying not to think about daily is wearing and hard. I had a couple of good cries the past couple of weeks. I think hearing stories from all the “survivors” on the news makes me sad – sad that although I am surviving, I am no longer a survivor with metastatic cancer. I like Olivia Newton John’s term “thriver” better. I think that what set my high emotions off was one morning last week when I opened an article and read that not all triple negative breast cancers are the same and that certain subtypes have better survival rates. This article piqued my interest because one of my oncologists initially said that my triple negative cancer was not acting like triple negative cancer. Mine was slow-growing instead of being aggressive, like triple negative cancer is known as being. According to this study, there are three subtypes of triple negative breast cancer. I was completely absorbed in the article and had questions for my oncologist forming in my mind like: Can I be tested to find out what type of triple negative cancer I have if it comes back as triple negative still, and can one form of triple negative cancer morph into another type? But then I came to the end of the article, and it listed the survival rate for each of the three types of triple negative cancer. The longest was five years. Two years left. Confronting the statistics and the reality of this disease is what sets the tears off for me. I try to avoid “time” and even control it.  I don’t want to hear estimates or statistics; they don’t do me any good. I feel like all I have now is time, and I don’t have enough. I have become obsessed with time – how I use it, my POD, or Plan of the Day, and my calendar. With the calendar year coming up to a close, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and my upcoming scan, my emotions have been all over the place, my anxiety has been pretty high, and my mind has been occupied with thoughts of cancer much more than I prefer to think about it. I’ve come to just try and pretend I don’t have it. And right now, I don’t. But the thoughts are always there of when is it going to come back, and where will it spread to? That’s something survivors and thrivers have in common: Thoughts of will it come back, and, if so, when? That’s what keeps me from fully living the life I had before cancer while being NED with metastatic cancer. Well, I guess I’d never be the person I was before cancer because cancer has changed me. It’s made me more aware of things, lots of things, which is ironic I’m discovering that during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

 I am now quite comfortable with who I am and how I want to spend the time that I have left. But the thing I am uncomfortable with is a feeling of dread now – dread of my scans and dread of my cancer coming back. For so many years, I was just going, going, going with all the biopsies and surgeries and chemo and radiation. I have had a break, and it has been an excellent break being NED, so I am dreading starting everything all over again. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want a scan that could mean change. This is the first time I am not anxious for a scan — anxious about it, yes, but not for it. I don’t want to know what’s going on in my body. It’s the first time I don’t want the information I used to thrive on. I just want things to stay the same. I want more time. And I don’t want to think about how much time I have left. I don’t want to know. And that article put the statistics and the reality of this diagnosis right in my face again. And that is the hardest part of this diagnosis — believing I have been given a miracle, that my cancer is different, that I’m one of the super responders, that I’m an anomaly, the thinking that keeps me positive and thriving — and trying to be realistic about the time I might have left.

 I will just focus on living one day at a time and planning my day with some of the things I need to do and lots of the things I want to do because that is how I can best live with this disease and just live life. I will continue to ignore the statistics.

 So, enough of my feelings! Phew! Here’s an update: After getting the dreaded bone strengthener, I didn’t feel too bad this time! I was able to do the 5K on Saturday, and it felt really good! It was 70 and sunny out, and the route ran along the water, so it was beautiful out! There were local cheerleaders with pretty pink pom poms cheering us on throughout the race and bringing us in at the finish line. It was a really nice event and great to be surrounded by pink and people who understand this disease, whether as friends, family, survivors, thrivers, caretakers, patients or supporters.

 Oh, I started thinking about our next assignment for my art therapy workshop. It’s about thinking about changes I’d like to make in my life. I want to use a double spread in my art book – on one side, a woman exhaling the things I no longer want in my life and on the other, a woman inhaling the things I want to replace them with, the things that having cancer has taught me. I’m going to call it Seasons of Change. The things I let go of will be on the Winter side, and the things/changes I want to embrace will be on the Summer side. I’ll post the final piece and talk about the changes I’ve been making throughout my cancer journey and the ones I still want to change once we’ve had the workshop in a couple of weeks. I’m also wondering if there is a chance that my little meltdowns this month are related to all the thinking I’ve been doing for these workshops?

 Oh, and this past Wednesday was National Metastatic Breast Cancer Day, and we were supposed to post four words we think of when we think about metastatic cancer and post them on social media. I think my four words would’ve been: Thrive, Hope, Grateful, and Present. A lot of posts I saw listed Rollercoaster as one of the words. I can see that. There are the ups and downs that scans produce, and there are up days and down days. I’ve had some bad days this month. I am fortunate not to have had any physically bad days on this journey yet, but sometimes, the battles are in my head – to stay strong, to stay positive, to fend off negativity and anxiety, and to strengthen my hope and faith. I strongly believe you have to feel all the feels but get back to a positive place. And, after a week of feeling all the feels, I am now back to living one day at a time, focused on the present and positivity. Trying not to think ahead to my upcoming scan. I have a lump at the bottom of my ear lobe, right at my jaw. So, I consulted Dr. Google, as I always do! Can’t help it! If it’s a tumor – cuz it sure feels exactly like my initial lump under my breast – they’re usually benign in this location. Or maybe it’s just a cyst that doesn’t move?? Or maybe it’s an inflamed lymph node. I’m going to watch it this week cuz it’s making me nervous, and if it’s still there at the end of the week, I’m going to write my oncologist and see if I should make an appt. with him or my primary care doctor to get it checked out. I still get anxious about every lump and bump. I don’t think that will every go away??  I’ll write from chemo again next week, and in November, I’ll post from chemo, again after my scan, and after my oncology appt. Gonna be a busy month cancer-wise and holiday-wise! I’m hoping I’ll be able to just stay really busy so my mind relaxes a bit coming off of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and going into a month where my mind will continue to be on my cancer. And hopefully a lack-there-of! Thinking pink and positive at the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!