You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

My Grandpa Seibert and I would sit for hours by the pond near his house and search for four-leaf clovers. I had a knack for seeing them. If you stare at clovers intensely for a while, you can spot a four-leaf clover without even having to swish your hand around in them, counting the leaves. They stick out. But it’s hard to see them when you’re in the middle of them. You have to concentrate on them and sort through them, spend some time with them and be patient, like when you’re fishing. As I child, I was thrilled with the discovery of the four-leaf clover. Now, I am thrilled with what I can learn from those little blessings in disguise. You learn a lot from quiet times in nature concentrating and practicing patience. And what you find, which you may not have even been seeking, is truly a blessing in disguise.

I haven’t even spent time with any news of my scan results because I’m still waiting for them, but I’m trying to turn the news, whatever it might be, into a blessing in disguise.

My images showed up in the portal yesterday, but the site says my report is unavailable on the portal and that I have to contact the imaging center for the report. So, now I have to wait through the weekend. Twenty-four more hours. I am soooo disappointed I can’t see the report in my portal this time. I don’t like to be surprised by the news from the doctor. I like to be prepared both mentally and with questions. I like time to process the report and what it means for me. The bad news is I have to wait an agonizing 24 hours still, thinking the worst because this has never happened before. Either my doctor hasn’t seen the results yet, or my cancer is back. That’s what I’m thinking. The good news is that I have been preparing for the worst. I’m trying not to worry until I have to, but I’m trying to prepare myself for the scenario that the cancer if back. Questions like where is it? And how bad is it? What type is it? and What treatment will I be on? And what will the side effects be? are swirling through my mind. Then come the ideas that I’ll probably have to go through biopsies again, and I’ll probably be back to weekly chemo and I’ll lose my hair again. I’ll be back in the bustle of fighting cancer again. I’ve had time to prepare, and if it’s meant to be, it will be, and I will do everything I have to to get through it. I will not be upset by the news, nor wish I could change things because I can’t; I will be thankful for the THREE years I got out of my first line of treatment. I am grateful for three years of my life. I will not be upset that the chemo and immunotherapy stopped working; I will be thankful that they worked for so long. This weekend, I am cleaning galore getting ready for my sister’s arrival on Tuesday and my dad’s arrival on Thursday for Thanksgiving, which is coming up so fast. And cleaning always gives me plenty of time to think. At first, I was a little upset that my cancer might be back at Thanksgiving, and I was afraid I wouldn’t feel very thankful this year. But I am going to concentrate on all my blessings and be grateful for everything and everyone this Thanksgiving, especially all the time I’ve been given. I can’t possibly ask for more because I have lived a good, adventurous life, and I have been given lots of bonus time. I’ve realized that no matter what age I live to, I will always want more time. When it's my time, it will be my time and God’s timing. So, I think I can handle good news or bad news tomorrow. If it’s bad news, I will just concentrate on what the next step is and do it. I’ll be disappointed and scared or worried, but I’ll do it anyway. I haven’t been scared on this journey yet. But whenever this treatment, my best chance for success, stops working, I’ll start to feel fear. Tom and I have always thought at each step through this entire cancer journey that it is what it is; let’s just get through it. So, I will get through these next 24 hours, and I’ll update you once I’ve processed the results a little. If it’s bad news, I’ll have to let it sink in a little, and if it’s good news, I’ll be taken aback a little since I’m preparing for the worst. I’ll let you know what I find out tomorrow. I’m going to get my Thanksgiving decorations out to distract me for the rest of the day. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!