Same Old Fatigue, New Classes
I had a lot of things to get done at Chemo the other day, and it went by fast, so I didn’t get a chance to blog. I think I might have had a cancer hangover recently. I’ve been in a funk since my daughter went to college and I’ve been adjusting to life as an empty nester. I had anticipated the silence of the empty house, but I didn’t anticipate the silence in my head! No constantly juggling things to keep everyone on schedule, no more keeping dates and times in my memory or anticipating what everyone needs for activities and appointments or just running the household! My thinking hasn’t always been positive lately, and I’ve been in a bit of a depression. I feel like I have been going, going, going for so long – like YEARS – of cancer treatment (thankfully) that my body and my mind are catching up now and needing some rest, lots of rest, actually. Resting so much makes me feel really guilty, and so the cycle continues.
But, I let myself feel all the feels, which ebbed and flowed, and now I’m back to feeling good. On a positive note, my nails have completely gone back to normal, thanks to #polishpops. They are long, strong and look nice and normal again. One less thing that cancer has taken away! Woo hoo!
I signed up for an online art therapy class that was advertised in the infusion center today. I am not very artistic and not very social, but I thought I’d put myself out there and try it. One of the projects is taking an old book and making a journal out of it. I have a collection of old classics from various antique stores that I purchased when I was growing up, so while I really don’t want to destroy an old classic, there’s something appealing about turning it into something new. We have to have a theme for the project, and I think I will make mine “Letting Go.” I will have a hard time letting go of the idea of destroying a classic and turning it into something new and different, and I have a hard time when it comes to thinking of letting go of my life, my hopes and dreams for the future, my friends, my family, my pets, etc. It’s something I’d like to and need to work through by journaling, blogging … or in an art therapy class!
I also signed up for a flower arranging class at the Wellness House. I’ve always been interested in learning how to do that, so I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to going to the Wellness House for the first time, too. It’s supposed to be beautiful and relaxing, and I hope it’s a place where I can meet/connect with some people who are going through what I’m going through, and I hope it’s a place of peace that can take the place of what going to chemo used to be for me. I like chemo to be a quiet, reflective place where I can think and concentrate on positive things while I’m refueling and getting what I need to keep this cancer away. I think I can find the peace I need to renew when I need it at the house. Everyone has such good things to say about it, and they have amazing classes and resources for cancer patients, survivors and caregivers.
I have a cyst that has been making me a little nervous. I mentioned it to my oncologist at my appt. yesterday. He told me what I’d read: These are generally benign. I’m not too worried about it since I think it would show up on my scan in October or November if it was malignant. My doctor says everything is still looking great from my bloodwork, and I’m feeling good, so no worries on his end. That eases my mind as doubts have a way of creeping in, especially around scan time. He put an order in for my scan that I’ll need to get done before I see him next time, the end of November. I’ll update again once I get it scheduled. I’m still having, and being woken up at night by, pain in my rib, so I’m a little concerned about my next scan. I’ll feel relieved if my next scan shows no cancer or just the fractured rib that won’t heal. The period just after a good scan is always the best time of life for me. So, as anxious as I am for the next scan, I’m also anxious for good news, hopefully, again and the peace that the month after a scan brings.
I’m feeling good two days post-chemo this time, and the nausea has been kept at bay with meds, so should be a good next couple of weeks. I am learning that it is key to keep myself busy, busy, busy, to stay out of my funk, so that’s what I intend to do. That includes going to the Wellness House for my class, so I might write again next week after I’ve checked it out. Until then, stay safe and healthy, everyone!