Like a Tree in Winter
When I attended the respite retreat, we were each asked to share our favorite season and give the reason why we picked that season. I was torn between Spring, when everything is fresh and new – alive -- when the baby animals emerge and the flowers bloom OR Summer, when the sun shines warm on your skin and the water tantalizes. I ended up choosing Summer because I love the beach. Everyone went around the room telling their favorite seasons. No one picked winter. Our discussion leader told us about how in winter the trees bulk up on the soil’s nutrients and water so they will have enough energy to grow buds for new leaves and flowers in the Spring. It was an analogy for our respite retreat. Sometimes our bodies need rest, and even in rest, our bodies are doing important things. I was thinking of this discussion when I decided to go off treatment today until my cancer returns. It is a risky decision. There are risks to staying on chemo, and there are risks to going off chemo. My new oncologist recommended a break, that we were at a point where we could take the risk of going off. If I continue on my treatment, my anemia would be a concern, I could get leukemia, or I could develop other conditions. I don’t know all the risks of staying on treatment. I just know that I am tired. My doctor told me to use this time to take care of myself – mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, etc. I am going to do just that this winter. I don’t know if I’ll get three months or 20 years till my cancer comes back, but I am going to use the time to get as fit in all those areas as I can. I am going to keep eating natural foods and keep using clean products. I am going to drink more water and only occasional alcohol. I am excited to be less physically tired so I can get back into good shape and actually enjoy working out again. And I am going to need more faith and trust spiritually now more than ever. I am going to use this winter as a time to make myself as strong as I can in every area so that I am strong whenever I have to start this fight again. I am going to be like a tree and bulk up in all these areas so I will have enough energy to fight again when this cancer comes back.And I am going to thoroughly enjoy this break from chemo. I will gain a lot more time and hopefully a lot more energy. My quality of life wasn’t terrible on the regimen I was on, but it will definitely be better again. I know it takes a lot of time to feel better again after going off treatment, so I will need to be patient. And I’m not a very patient person. 😩 I’m learning to be more patient, though. I will have to have my port flushed every six weeks, so I’ll have my bloodwork taken then. My oncologist said we can watch my tumor markers. The plan will be for a scan in four to six months, a CT scan, and a PET scan every year. I don’t know if I made the right decision today. I don’t know if it was a good decision to quit something that was working, but I am going to embrace the decision. I am looking forward to using the winter to rest and repair. I am looking forward to being like a tree.