Life is Beautiful
I am writing today instead of at chemo tomorrow because I have a lot on my mind, and I’m not sure if I’ll write from chemo, depending on if I have a reaction again or not. I’ll let you know after chemo how it goes?!
I was finally able to schedule my scan. It will be the afternoon of November 20. Coming up! I’m already getting a little scanxiety, not because of how I feel, but because it has been so long since my last one and because I was around other cancer patients this weekend, and I know how quickly and unpredictably things can change when it comes to metastatic cancer.
On Sunday, I was really lucky to attend a Respite Retreat’s daylong retreat. It was AMAZING. Their intention is to give cancer patients and their caretakers a break from cancer, but it was so much more. Tom went with me as a cancer survivor and my caretaker, and when we walked in, I immediately felt so welcome and so much genuine warmth from the program director and all the volunteers. We got to pick a mug to keep for our coffee, tea or water. We spent the morning painting coasters and then journaling about words that are important to us in our lives right now in zero gravity chairs in front of a fireplace. I had lots of words go through my head – all the words I’ve used here along my cancer journey – faith, hope, trust, peace, and joy. So, it took me a minute to figure out what word was important to me in this moment of my journey. “Positivity” came to mind, but I chose LIVE – not as in I want to live, but like I want to really live life in the moment, in the present, focusing on what’s really important to me – friends, family and things I love doing – for whatever time I have left in life. I want to concentrate on living, not dying, in this phase of my journey.
We ate a really good catered lunch, complete with gluten free options and even gluten free dessert! The tables and room were decorated like a wedding would be with a fall theme. Every detail of this retreat was amazing and made you feel special.
The afternoon was filled with relaxation. I had my first Reiki session, and I say first because it will not be my last!!! I absolutely LOVED it. I have never felt my body so completely relaxed before. I went in with no expectations since I had no idea what it was like. My practitioner was AMAZING, and she told me before starting to lie down face up and that I, at worst, would have the best nap ever and at best, a life-changing experience. I had the latter. She told me to concentrate on my favorite place and the things I felt and saw, etc. I quickly let my mind go to the warmth of the beach, hearing sea gulls and picturing everything I loved about being on the little beach at NAS Key West. But my mind kept drifting. I wondered what was going on, what I was supposed to be feeling, if this was even working. My practitioner used light touch, and I could immediately feel the unevenness of the arm she hadn’t touched. My body completely relaxed, more than it even does from a massage. When the session was over, and she told me to open my eyes, she asked if she could tell me what she experienced. She told me things that completely connected with me. I wondered if she had Googled me before the session because she knew things that a stranger would not know – like my deepest thoughts and things I’ve been working on intrinsically. It was AMAZING. The Wellness House offers Reiki, so I signed up to be on the waitlist.
After the Reiki, we did seated Tai Chi. It was fun – I’ve always wanted to learn about it and try it. So, it was fun to experience it, and I look forward to trying standing Tai Chi in the future. And after that, we laid back in the zero gravity chairs in front of the fireplace with the most amazing soft, plush blankets we were given as gifts and the sherpa-lined eye masks we were given during our relaxation sessions. We enjoyed a sound healing session, like a sound bath, and it was wonderful!!
I cannot say enough good things about the retreat. If you’ve been affected by cancer, I encourage you to check out Respite Retreats at www.respiteretreats.org or on Facebook. The retreats are offered for free, so I also encourage you to support Respite Retreats because everyone affected by cancer deserves a day of being completely taken care of in every sense of the word. Even caregivers need to be taken care of. I think every retreat of theirs is a little different, but I can guarantee you that if you go to one, you will be wonderfully taken care of, and that every detail of the day will focus on you and your wellbeing. It was mentally, spiritually, and physically healing for me.
It was also really good for me to be with a group of people who have been through what I’ve been through and what I am going through. I found it interesting to be around people just like me who you would never know by looking at them that they were cancer patients. Everyone at my table had metastatic cancer. Nobody looked sick, and we were talking about travelling and just living life as normal. It is amazing that some metastatic patients are able to thrive with the disease now. But there were also patients there that were clearly in the fight, and I needed to be reminded of that. Sometimes, as a metastatic patient who has been NEAD for so long, I feel like I am cured. But I need to be reminded of the reality of this disease sometimes, and I need to draw on the strength of those fighting right now.
I am especially thinking of my future with this disease as my scan comes up. I hope beyond hope that I get another clear scan, but if I don’t, I will take this disease one day at a time, like I’ve always tried to do.
I will write and let you know how my chemo goes tomorrow. I have an appt. with a local oncologist on Monday, so I’ll let you know how that goes, as well. And I’ll write again with my scanxieties, if I need to, or definitely after I get my scan results.
Stay safe and healthy, everyone!