Riding the Waves
I had my PET/CT Scan yesterday, and I got my results in my patient portal last night. I do not understand all of the results, and everything seems to be inconclusive, so I am going to wait to report on them till after I talk to my oncologist, but I did not have a clear scan this time as I was hoping for again. From what I can understand, there was significant uptake in my liver, there is some concern regarding my liver, and an MRI was recommended. There also seem to be some new nodules/lesions in my chest, but they are too small to know if they might be cancerous or not. Inconclusive results are almost worse than no results!! Now my mind is reeling with questions and concerns. I had to google life expectancy for triple negative breast cancer that has metastasized to the liver, and it was not a good prognosis – three to 12 months. There may have been a little meltdown last night, and there may have been some tears just considering the possibility. But I’m not one to go by the statistics, so I’m not going to put my faith in them. I know I’ll be fine with whatever the results are. I am preparing myself for good news or bad. I am relying on my faith to follow Jesus wherever He leads me on this journey, and I know I’ll be fine. But it’s amazing how fast my mind jumps to a timeline and the fact that I have a highlight and cut appointment for my hair next week and that I don’t want to pay for that when I might lose my long hair again within the next six weeks. ☹I don’t want to lose my hair again, and I don’t want to deal with cancer again. I was truly living like I didn’t have it and like I was cured of this incurable cancer. I still believe I was healed – for five years, and for that, I am eternally grateful. And I am so very grateful for the chemo break, which may or may not have been the right decision. It absolutely was right for me, and it allowed me to truly live again for almost a year.
Right now, I am just wanting more information. I want to know exactly what I’m dealing with, I want to know what my options are, I want to know what drugs are used to treat metastatic triple negative breast cancer that has metastasized to the liver, I want to know how other people have done on those treatments and with cancer in their livers, and I want to know if this is even metastatic breast cancer I’m still dealing with or if it’s a new cancer. I want to know if it is cancer. I don’t like the not knowing – not knowing when I’ll die, not knowing what exactly is going on right now in my body. I thrive on information because I can do something with it. This not knowing is killing me right now. So, I’m blogging. As a distraction. As a way to keep my mind off all the directions it wants to go in. I have bloodwork and a port flush tomorrow. I’ll be curious to see if my cancer markers are up. I have an appointment with my oncologist next Thursday. I’ll let you know when I have more definitive answers and results, and I’ll probably write when I get the results of my bloodwork in the next couple of days. I am really trying to not worry till I have to, and I’m really trying to just live in the present today. In this moment, I don’t know I have cancer back; I just need to live another day with gratitude. And keep doing that till I know any differently. But I truly am distracted by everything I read in the report. I need to keep myself busy today. Easier said than done. I’ll post again soon. Until then, stay safe and healthy everyone.