Blessed, No Longer Stressed
I am back to normal, back to positivity, and back to exercising!
My heart rate is back to normal, and my shortness of breath left as soon as it arrived. It hasn’t been there for the past four days, and that feels wonderful!! I haven’t blogged as much lately, even though I’ve needed to try to process the pulmonary embolisms, which really threw me for a loop. When I got home from the hospital, I was on Facebook, which I think I mentioned in a previous post, and I had been communicating with a girl in one of my triple negative cancer groups who is on the same meds as I had been on, who also just had pulmonary embolisms. We talked about them and the symptoms we had had and how we were feeling afterward. Her last post was asking people if they needed oxygen when they left the hospital. She died two days ago. It threw me for another loop. I had just been communicating with her. She was young and pretty, full of life. We shared a common experience with cancer and the pulmonary embolisms. I felt survivor’s guilt again, and it made me think about my own death again. I talked with someone who made me realize I’ve been tormented by the fear of the unknown the past few weeks, the fear of things that are out of my control.
But, this week, I am feeling much better – much more hopeful and positive again. And I’m thoroughly enjoying feeling better, maybe not back to “normal” because I am definitely not the same person I was before cancer, but maybe I’m “back to life.” I’m loving exercise again, like I did before I was on treatment. I am still just walking, but I am walking faster again, and I’m able to push myself, which I definitely wasn’t able to do on treatment. I am feeling good while I exercise instead of it being so much of a chore. I was getting disheartened when I couldn’t walk up my driveway without getting winded and when I couldn’t keep up with whoever I was walking with. Now, I am ready to build up to running again, I can’t wait to swim again, and I am starting a pilates class after my company leaves in May. I am so excited to get back into shape and regain something out of the many things that cancer takes away.
I am going to enjoy having my company here for a couple of weeks – my dad, my sister, and one of my sons. Then, in the first couple of weeks of May, I will have my PET scan, my surgery/procedure, and I’ll meet with my oncologist. I am soooo hoping my scan is clear so that 1) I can relax and just enjoy life for the next six months and through my favorite season of Summer, and 2) so I’ll have hope that I can go longer without this cancer coming back instead of going off of treatment and just having it come back right away. But, I will be grateful for whatever amount of time I get off of treatment. The treatment has kept me alive for the past five years, so I will be forever grateful for that, but I am REALLY enjoying being off of treatment. It is a gift to be able to feel this good again with metastatic breast cancer. I was very leery to go off treatment, and I do fear when and where it could come back, but it has been soooooo worth it, for me, even if it only lasts till my scan in May. Going off treatment and taking treatment breaks is controversial, but I know that I made the right decision for myself, and that’s all any of us cancer patients can do.
Oh, and I am starting to lose weight, and I no longer have acid reflux, so I know both of those problems were chemo-related. Feels good to get back to health!! I am not changing much off of treatment other than trying to exercise every day and trying not to drink alcohol, only occasionally. Still eating all naturally and choosing products without chemicals.
So, for the next couple of weeks before my scan, I am going to live one day at a time, enjoying each one of them. I’m going to take lots of walks with my sister, my son, and my husband, and I’m going to enjoy them! 😊
I’ll write again in a couple of weeks when I have to think about cancer again with my upcoming scan.
Stay safe, stay healthy, and enjoy this perfect Spring weather!