Life is Like a Rollercoaster
Yesterday was a bit rough. I was nauseated and had a headache the entire day. I was a bit frustrated since I had such a good day yesterday. But I have to remember there will be good days and bad days. My nurse suggested I keep a journal of how I am feeling each day so I can start to notice patterns throughout the cycles. I’m glad she suggested it. I’ve already learned that Day 2 is not a good one! As I was sitting in my chair with ginger ale and crackers, I browsed around on the web. I had looked at metastatic breast cancer survival rates, and last night, I looked at triple negative metastatic cancer survival rates, and I found that the outlook is even more dire. Nine to thirteen months. Again, I have always thought more with my heart than my head, but I just can’t keep these numbers out of my head. Why can’t I stay off the internet?! I like having information. I can do something with it. So, last night, while wide awake at 3 a.m., I processed this outlook. I am going to prepare for it, and any time beyond that will just be bonus. My head spins with making decisions about where I should seek treatment, whether I should consider clinical trials, if I want to or can leave my family while I undergo treatment, but no matter what I decide, it seems like two years past diagnosis is what I can expect. It is weird when you know that you are going to die: Why do I even think about it when I could get hit by a car and die tomorrow? I guess because I know, and I know that I will be leaving people behind, and that is the hardest thing of all. I have become obsessed with preparing myself and preparing my family. I need to work on this!! I also need to learn to live a little differently now. Yesterday, it was hard watching my husband cooking dinner and doing the dishes by himself and just sitting wanting to help. It is going to be hard watching people do things I want to be doing but don’t feel well enough to do. Those are the bad days. But as I was sitting and commiserating last night, I realized that even the bad day was still a day, and I wanted that day. Like I want tomorrow, and all the days after that. I just need to learn to live each day, one day at a time. And today is a better day so far! Woo hoo!