Positive in Pink
I have been feeling so good lately that I have been living like I don’t have cancer. I feel, in my mind, like I don’t even have it and have to remind myself, sometimes, that I do. I feel healed, even though I know that will take a miracle. And I believe in miracles! There is a creeping anxiety in the back of my mind as I go off of chemo next week. It is hard for me to quit something that I know is working. I am praying that this immunotherapy works well on its own, for years! I know that I have to go off Chemo sometimes and can’t stay on it forever, and this is a good time to go off it, but I have to admit that I am nervous about my cancer possibly growing now that I will be off Chemo.
Physically, the Chemo is taking its toll. My nails seem to be staying the same, and I do not get as much nausea anymore, but my ankles are swollen and discolored, and I feel like my entire body is swelling up. I have no eyebrows and hardly any eyelashes, and, of course, no hair. No hair is great for shaving and for getting ready in record time, but I do miss my hair. Wigs itch and just don’t feel natural, and I can’t throw my hair into a ponytail or a messy bun anymore. And caps — I just don’t like wearing something on my head all the time. I am hot when I am wearing a cap, and I am cold when I am not wearing one. Not complaining — I am alive — just explaining what it feels like to not have hair, to wear a wig for extended periods of time and to wear caps.
When I look at my reflection in the mirror, before I put makeup and a wig or a cap on — well, I don’t really like looking in the mirror. Not because I am afraid of looking ugly or different but because I don’t look like myself anymore. It is hard to feel pretty or feminine when you don’t have hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. I have learned that outward beauty is not nearly as important as inner beauty through living life and, especially, from having cancer twice, but cancer takes away your self image, and that can lead to some sadness sometimes.
So … thank God for the Pink Wig Project (#pinkwigproject) that I discovered! They sent me a pink wig, the one like in the picture above! When I first got cancer, I was the type of person who would never dye her hair pink or purple or green … but by the time I finished treatment the first time, I couldn’t wait to put pink streaks in my hair. I had learned that I could be bolder and had actually learned a lot about myself and had actually gained self esteem from having had cancer. I felt so good with those pink streaks in my hair. And now, I have lost my hair again, and this pink wig makes me feel bold, strong, and feminine again. I put it on when I need to feel good. It is amazing what a pink wig can do! And, as a bonus, it is a pretty amazing little wig. It is a great style and has great construction. It feels light and cool on my head, and it is the best shade of pink! You can buy pink wigs for a very reasonable cost for someone you know who is fighting cancer, and for every wig purchased, one is donated to a cancer patient. It is amazing to me that a simple, material thing like a pink wig can make me feel like I have super powers — the ability to be strong, to be positive, to be self confident — and you need those super powers when fighting cancer. I will post a picture of me in my pink wig sometime soon!
Thank you to the Pink Wig Project for my pink wig, and I want to say thank you, again, to everyone for all your thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, visits, phone calls, emails, texts, letters, cards, all your support and all the things you have given me and sent me. I am MONTHS behind on my thank you notes, and I know many of you will say that I don’t need to send you thank you notes, but I want to let you know that they will be coming! I was raised to write thank you notes and appreciate everything I have been given, and I WANT to send thank yous. Just know that I have been busy living and fighting and that you will be hearing from me soon (hopefully)! Life just won’t slow down. Which leads me to the next, and last, thing I want to write about.
i used to do things without worry of time; now, I feel as if I am on deadline for everything. I feel like I felt when I was working on deadline at the newspaper — stress and simultaneous invigoration — except I don’t know exactly when the deadline is. I am on deadline, but I don’t know when the deadline is — it is a very weird feeling, and it creates these very weird feelings of constant stress and invigoration. In any case, it has gotten me off my butt and is making me DO things, things I have to get done and things I have always wanted to get done. It just makes me feel like I am rushing and hurrying to do things, and I’m afraid of missing deadline. I have never missed a deadline, and I don’t want to! I am trying so hard to practice self care and mindfulness, and, I must say, I am doing a great job at it, but deadlines kind of get in the way of that and disrupt that!! ugh! They contradict each other! I have always performed best under stress and deadlines and actually love that feeling, but I am learning to love slowing down, as well. Just a dichotomy I am struggling with right now!
So, that’s what I have been thinking about this week on my week off of chemo and on my last week of chemo. I will write from the Chemo Cafe next week at immunotherapy!! Next week, I meet with my nurse practitioner, the one who helped me a lot as I was getting diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer when my oncologist was deployed. My oncologist is back now, and I will meet with her in eight weeks. I am excited to see her again and to hear what she has to say/offer. She is compassionate, and I think it is so important to have an outwardly compassionate oncologist, at least it is important to me in my fight. I have been so fortunate to have such good doctors throughout both my cancer journeys I will really miss my other two oncologists. I am forever grateful to them for getting me on treatment that has worked so far.
In the meantime, I will be busy trying to stay positive despite some anxiety, and I will be busy just living life as though I don’t have cancer!