Chemo Day Blues
UPDATE: The following entry is a vent! Just be forewarned! It felt good to get it out, and now I am back to feeling myself! Feeling positive again, like why wouldn’t this chemo/immuno. be working? It has done great so far, and I am feeling great! Going to clean really good today for Aleks’ homecoming tonight, and I will be filled with the Christmas spirit (thanks to marathon sessions of the Hallmark channel while Tom was in the Midwest picking Aleks up!) as I decorate the house for Christmas after — if I haven’t worn myself out! Sorry for the negativity that follows, but I’m going to leave it because it’s the reality of living with metastatic breast cancer, lots of ups and downs, and so is life! Sometimes I feel like my thinking changes from positivity to fears and doubts from minute to minute, as is what has happened today. So … time to make myself busy and start cleaning. Excited to use all my new H2O At Home cleaning products today!! Did I just say I’m excited to clean?! Oh, and PIT STOP!: I am no longer selling Beautycounter products, but I bought the sample sizes of the new deodorants to try (the deodorant will be coming out soon, but you can buy the minis in a set now), and I LOVE them! They have some for women, and one for men! They work AND they don’t break my ULTRA SENSITITVE skin out like most natural deodorants do. Trust me, I have tried them all, and Beautycounter’s is my favorite! I knew it would be! And I completely trust their ingredients to be SAFE!! Woo hoo!! Now, I’m just waiting for them to come out with a safe foaming shaving cream! Anyway, back to my SAFE cleaning products …. time to start getting something done today!
Whenever my kids write something for school and lose what they write, I tell them that it’s OK. They just have to start over, and what they write will be even better than what they wrote previously. I need to take my own advice. I just wrote a very long entry about how chemo was just not a pleasant experience this week, and as I was going to sign off, I lost all of what I wrote. Most of it was complaining, so it’s probably good it got lost! I didn’t feel like writing at chemo because I was a little miffed. Usually, chemo is such a relaxing, peaceful time for me, especially after a long drive, but this week was my first week at the new office. It was so disorganized. My appt. was at 8:45 a.m., and I didn’t get out of there till after 1 p.m. It’s fine because I understand that the office is new and trying to get used to things. A lot more of the doctors’ patients transferred with their doctors to the new office than was anticipated. And I block the whole day off for chemo, so it really shouldn’t matter to me. But it did because I am not a patient patient, and I don’t like disorganization. The workers and nurses were talking about each other, and the nurses were talking loudly, so it just wasn’t professional or peaceful. And with no dividers between the chairs yet, it was way too peopley for me. And morning turned into lunchtime with no lunch and no snacks, so I just wasn’t a happy camper. The chemo room is pretty nice. It’s bright and has lots of windows, an entire wall of windows, actually. t’s just not very private. I would’ve placed the chairs so that they face the windows instead of having patients face each other. Oh, well, I just don’t like change; it gives me anxiety. And I am telling you of all my complaints at chemo this week because it mirrors my anxiety about my upcoming scans.
I am loving this life I am living right now. I am in the best possible scenario now. I don’t want recurrence. I am not ready for it. I love feeling almost normal and am enjoying each day. I have the best possible treatment right now for the best possible chances of extending my life, and I fear that it will stop working. I want this line of treatment to last as long as possible. What are the chances I could go NED twice? Will my second line of treatment be as effective? Where will the cancer show up next? My scans are coming up in December, and these are the things on my mind, or in the back of my mind, right now.
The only side effect I am having from the chemo/immuno. right now is neuropathy that has come back in my fingers and toes. It makes me a little nervous because my doctor says it will only get worse. I really don’t want to have to eventually stop a treatment that is working because of neuropathy. I think I can suck up a lot of the pain if it gets worse, though. It’s better than nausea and fatigue. And both of those have gotten so much better now that we’ve cut back to chemo every other week!! I have gotten bad about drinking my pomegranate juice (I drank too much!), so in the next month before my scans, I want to concentrate on getting better about drinking it daily again, and I want to focus on exercise. I will feel better about doing my part for a good scan then. The rest is up to God. So, for the next two weeks, until my next chemo, I am going to focus on living and feeling thankful, grateful and blessed, and I am going to try to control my scanxiety. One day at a time …
Will update you from chemo in a couple of weeks! I will have chemo on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving since the holiday falls on Thursday, my normal chemo day. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!