Ticket to Paradise
Last time, at the end of Chemo and the day before Thanksgiving, a man receiving treatment went unconscious and almost died. The paramedics were called in, and it was quite scary for a while. His wife was so strong. We ended up giving her a ride to the hospital because she couldn’t ride in the ambulance with her husband because of Covid. I was so inspired by the strength of this woman. It got me thinking these past couple of weeks, especially at Thanksgiving.
The other day, I read an article on women living with metastatic breast cancer. And it got me thinking these past couple of weeks, as well.
These things got me thinking that I have been living in my own little prison of metastatic cancer. I keep thinking of and feeling trapped by the statistics. I also have a lot of survivor’s guilt, and I just fear the end and can’t help but wonder when it will come. I am thinking these things all the time despite trying to just live and be positive, but the thoughts are always there. I feel caught between life and death, imprisoned in my own thoughts and fears and worries. But I had a shift in thinking after the incident at chemo and after reading the article I mentioned above. I am in the Statistic Zone now. Statistics show I should die within a year to a year and a half with the type of breast cancer I have. And here I am at almost a year and a half. I don’t want to be a statistic. I want to be an example of how to live with metastatic breast cancer because for whatever reason I have been blessed, and I am here LIVING with metastatic breast cancer — and I plan on living with it for as long as I can. I am now no longer looking to the end but looking to the future. I want to show people that women CAN live with metastatic breast cancer. It is terminal, but it is also treatable. And new treatments are coming out all the time. It’s exciting to see. And instead of focusing on the statistics, I am now focusing on and reading more about new treatments. I think I have had a positive attitude about this cancer, but now I am also focusing on a positive outcome. Here I am living and doing things and going about my life again like I don’t have cancer, and women with metastatic cancer can and are doing this! I know not everyone has an experience like mine; everyone’s experience is different. But here I am living with metastatic cancer, and I want to show others that it is possible. There are women in my support group who are doing it with children and with constant pain and broken bones, They are my inspiration.
So, although my scanxiety is ever-present as my doctor will schedule my next set on Wednesday, I am focusing on LIVING with this disease, not dying from this disease. I will let you know when they’re scheduled for at chemo on Thursday. I am still getting used to the new place. It’s just not as warm and caring as I need. I find I need compassion from my nurses, and from my doctors, as well; it’s really important for me and for my attitude. And I like a very peaceful chemo setting to relax and refuel. But I will go into chemo with a good attitude and just be thankful for the lifesaving treatment I am receiving.
I also left a support group for metastatic breast cancer that I feel was dragging me down and getting me depressed about the future. It has been a great move for me, at this stage, because I am not where they’re at yet. I find the support groups can get negative; everyone deals with cancer differently. It just wasn’t I needed, so I left and am instead focusing on the new research articles. They offer hope, and hope is so important in a cancer battle, especially a metastatic breast cancer battle when hope is all you have. Hope, my word for this 2nd cancer journey.
Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving! Stay safe and stay healthy! Will write from chemo on Thursday!