More Than Ever
Today, after my doctor appointment, I want to live, and I want to survive more than ever. I had such a great doctor appointment. I usually leave them, and I’m in tears on the way home. I have always been really good at being tough and strong while I am going through something, but I lose it afterward. When my friend, the one who I met for lunch today, got hit by a car crossing the street after one day in senior high, I held it together well while the police interviewed me and in the emergency room, but as soon as my mom picked me up, I lost it in the car. I can be brave in the doctor’s office, but every time I leave, sobered, the tears flow. But, today, I left elated. I am so happy my doctor is back after her deployment. She is so knowledgeable, explains things really well, and is compassionate. She has a plan, and I trust it and her. She is realistic but left me feeling hopeful. I know my cancer is terminal, but I feel better about things after today’s visit. I feel like I have hope for a future as long as possible. And I think that hope is so necessary in a metastatic cancer battle.
She assured me that they are a team in the oncology department at Walter Reed. So, I feel good that the doctor who I have been seeing, my nurse practitioner (the one I owe my life to), and my doctor who is back now, will all be working together to help me.
I need to write this blog to get my thoughts gathered. There is always so much information at doctor visits. Overall, I am feeling so good and so positive, but here is the update:
My cancer nodules in my lung are very small. There are two of them. My cancer is considered triple negative, which is a very aggressive cancer. This is the breast cancer I was diagnosed with in 2015. My doctor then told me when I was finished with treatment that I had a high chance of recurrence because it was triple negative. It did come back, in my lung and possibly in my sternum. The cancer has been there in my lung for two years. We watched it, not knowing what it was, in routine CT scans, but it did not start growing until this past July, when I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. So, my doctor said today that I am an anomaly (my mom says she’s known that for years, ha ha). My cancer is not acting like triple negative cancer because it is growing slowly. Which is GREAT. So, it is small, and it is slow growing so far, so that is the best situation to be in if I have to have this cancer, I think.
Unfortunately, she suspects, but we won’t know unless it’s biopsied, that the spot in my sternum may be cancer, as well. That kind of freaks me out because I have heard that cancer in the bones is so painful.
My cancer did not shrink in this second scan like the first scan showed; it remained stable, which is still good, but she wants to treat this cancer aggressively, and I am totally on board with that. So, tomorrow, I will start chemo again, but not the full dose so that my symptoms are less severe. That means that I will be going in every week again, and that I will have symptoms again. But it is a small price to pay for more time. I have sooooooo enjoyed being symptom free this past cycle, but I told myself that even when I was on chemo and had symptoms, it was doable. I could live like that without it disrupting my life too much. She also said that it is a good sign that the immunotherapy is working with my nail changes and swollen ankles and the rash on my head that still comes and goes. So, again, I can put up with everything if it means the immnunotherapy is working.
She is also going to put me on a medication to help strengthen my bones; I’m assuming it’s for the spot in my sternum, but I’ll talk to her more about it at my appt. the first week in April.
I also asked her if the possibility of surgery was still on the table. She explained the risks and said that while she doesn’t think it will/should happen, it’s a possibility still that we can look into after my next scan in three months. We’d have to meet with a surgeon, and there are lots of things to consider with that option, but it will be interesting to find out more about it, and it is good to know it is still a possibility, less so if the cancer has already spread to my sternum, though.
One of my best friends made a layover to come see me for lunch today. It was so nice of her to do that, and it was soooo good to see her and spend the afternoon with her. I realized when we were having lunch that I am going to lose my hair again. It, too, is a small price to pay for more time, but just when I get it to a length where I wonder if I could dare go out without a cap or wig, I’m going to lose it again! Grrrrrrr. It’s OK, though, I ordered a human hair wig, and it is AMAZING. So light, so comfy compared to my other ones, soooo soft and so realistic, and I can style it!! Woooo hoooo! Not that I’m very good with the curling iron, but it will be more fun to play with it rather than wearing the same style every day. Unfortunately, the wig I ordered was ombre (which I really wanted), but the lightest shade was just a bit too blonde, and we all know what I look like with blonde hair (FLAP-PER!), so I am returning that one! I have another shorter, darker one on its way, though!
So, tomorrow I will be back in the Chemo Cafe for chemo and immunotherapy. Not sure if I’ll write while I am hooked up or not. I’ll be praying this chemo and immunotherapy combination will continue to shrink this cancer. I know my doctor is doing all she can for me, I am going to do all I can for myself, and I pray God is doing everything He can for a miracle! In the meantime, and until my next scan, I am really, truly hopeful, whether it is for a miracle or for more time. I don’t anticipate any scanxiety for a couple more months, so, in the meantime, I am going to LIVE, not just survive!
And, I was talking with my friend and was telling her that I need to write a blog post because I just want everyone to know that I probably sound worse than I am in my blog, and I do live outside of all my blogging! I promise I’m not dwelling on my cancer. I use my blog as a way to get everything out — including all my thoughts and fears — and organized in my mind so that I can not think about cancer and just live while I am away from my ipad or computer! So, I want to assure you all that I am doing well, and I’m doing really well after my doctor appt. today! (Might not feel that way this weekend when I’m back to feeling side effects … ugh … but it’s all good!)