The Elephant in the Room
Well, it’s almost Thursday, my day off of chemo! I have to admit that while I shouldn’t be thinking about cancer and should just be living my life in remission, I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. In the back of my mind, I am always wondering how long this remission will last. I question if the cancer, triple negative, will come back with a fury when it comes back. I worry about the pain, the procedures, and how life will change when the cancer gets worse. I wonder if it will go to my brain and if I’ll need a port in my head, I wonder if I will have more biopsies and if the cancer will mutate. I wonder if it will break bones and where it will come back. I am living in the future again and not living in the present. It’s odd how I could live better in the moment when I wasn’t in remission. So, I am wrestling with my thoughts this week. I am reading posts from my group and seeing all the possible scenarios and symptoms, the reality of the diagnosis. But, so far, I have had a good journey, and I have faith that I have been given a miracle. I know everyone’s cancer is different. I am aware that I am not fighting physically yet; I am fighting emotionally. I am fighting my own thoughts. And I should just be living in the present, appreciating each day, not worrying about anything until I have to. I suppose this will be normal for me for as long as I am in remission. When I finished my initial treatment, I lived always wondering if my cancer would come back. Now that I am in remission, I will always have that worry in the back of my mind. It just has to become my new normal, and I need to find a way to live this new life. I have been given new life through remission, and it makes me want to plan and dream again, but I just don’t know how far to plan out. I am working on reworking my priorities and my to-do list of things I want to focus on before I die. My list is getting smaller as I realize what is really important. So, that’s what I’ve been thinking about in regard to cancer this week. I got my hair cut, and I absolutely love it. It is styled! I feel better looking in the mirror again, and I don’t look sick. I have a goal for my hair, a picture I found, and my awesome hair stylist, who has been through this with me twice, will help get to that goal. I just hope I reach it before I lose my hair again if I need another line of treatment. But there I go living in the future again, so, for now, I will just love my new haircut and the fact that I had to buy a new hair dryer today! Will write again from chemo next week!