In His Hands
I was watching VA’s governor’s latest update on the coronavirus and an official said, “Information always reduces anxiety.” It sure does. I have been anxious about this brain MRI and PET scan today for the past week, at least. But having Isaias blow through yesterday helped to take my scanxiety away, which was replaced with just plain anxiety. I’ve been though tornadoes and hurricanes before, but this storm really pounded through. We lost power, so I had plenty of other things on my mind other than the scans, such as how to keep three teenagers from getting bored without Wifi and how I was going to keep the refrigerator from being opened ten thousand times by those bored teenagers!!! So, it was nice not having the scanxiety prior to going into my scans. I was a little anxious in the machine for my MRI. It’s a little too claustrophobic having a shield over your face and a mask on your face now. I had to talk myself down — you are fine, Kelly. This is as bad as it’s going to get, etc. I relaxed and after 45 minutes of relaxing waiting for my tracer to go throughout my body, I was completely relaxed by the time I had my PET scan. I felt good, peaceful and positive while I was in there. Now, I’m checking my patient portal every five minutes as I wait for my results, even though I know I will get an email when my results are in. I always got my results first in my patient portal at Walter Reed, but I might have to wait till my appt. with my new doctor tomorrow. I feel so much better when I can get the results ahead of time so I can prepare myself and think of questions ahead of time. Either way, I know I will be fine tomorrow. I will get information, and I like information. Like the guy said on TV today, it reduces my anxiety. If I get good news tomorrow, that the cancer has shrunken or remained stable, I will be thrilled. I won’t have to worry about anything for the next three months. If I get bad news, I will have information, and I will start focusing on the plan, the next steps.
I am beginning to organize my house and go through every room, every space, trying to minimalize so I can focus on the things I want to focus on for the rest of my life and so that I don’t leave so much for my family to go through when it’s my time to go. It is weird that we have been in this house for five years, and it feels good to purge because we naturally did that every two to four years when we transferred. I feel that way about cancer, too. Every three months, I reevaluate my goals and make plans for those three months ahead. I hope I can continue to do that for as long as possible. But I know I can get bad news at any scan. I am trying to be realistic about the future, but I am trying to not go there yet either since I haven’t had to yet. I hope that I can come home tomorrow and start making plans and goals for the next three months instead of having to make plans for a new course of treatment. I was nervous and anxious this past week and was really having a hard time mentally, but I know that I am physically doing great, and after my scans today, I am feeling great and more positive again.
My symptoms this week have been some neuropathy in my toes, especially when working out, and some tired feet, and I have also been having some pain and cracking in my knees when I climb up or down steps. It makes me feel like an old lady! The women in my support group are right — cancer ages you. My hair has been …
Just got a call from my oncologist — I am in REMISSION!!!!! No sign of cancer in my body!!!!!!!!! I am shocked, Tom is shocked; we didn’t even know this was a possibility! I think I’m going to throw myself at the altar in thanks at Adoration on Tuesday!!!! It is a miracle!!!! We will continue my same treatment, and if my side effects become bad, my oncologist says we can cut chemo back to every other week. I asked my doctor is this meant that my cancer had shrunken or stayed the same, and he said, no, that I was in REMISSION!! I just about cried when I heard that word over the phone. So, chemo is tomorrow, and I will write again from there, once this shock has worn off. Tom and I will celebrate with some good wine tonight!!! I think I am done with whatever I had planned for the day. I will not be able to concentrate on anything else today! My friend told me about research with pomegranate juice and immunotherapy working together, and I have been drinking a jug of pomegranate juice daily for the past week, so maybe it’s the pomegranate juice!!! I know it is God and that I have received a miracle, and I am going to use the next three months, the rest of my life for good!!!!! Time to start making plans …
(I am so excited that I am not even going to spellcheck this, so the old copy editor in me says sorry for any mistakes!!)