Quantity vs Quality
I’ve been thinking a lot about quality vs quantity lately. I’ve been minimalizing my house A LOT. I don’t want to leave people with all sorts of my stuff to go through when I’m gone (I’m a saver.); we’ve started to amass more stuff now that we’ve been in one place for more than a few years; I want to focus less on my material stuff and more on experiences; I want more focus on what I want to do with the rest of my life, without other “stuff” getting in the way; and I want to feel less stressed at home with stuff that I have to dust around or pick up, etc.
Of course, the best scenario for me in regard to my health would be a lot of quantity and a lot of quality, but I don’t know how much quantity I have left. And so I’ve learned, through having cancer, and especially metastatic cancer, to make sure that the quality of the time I have remaining is really great. And to me, that means lots of the important things in life and less of the trivial things. It means slowing down, being in the moment and living one day at a time. It means living with more gratitude and less attitude. I may get less quantity than I had hoped and dreamed for out of life, but, had I never had cancer, I don’t know that I’d ever have appreciated the quality of life I have left.
Metastatic cancer seems to be trying to attain the best balance of the two. I talked to my doctor at chemo today. He told me that my chemo and immunotherapy could keep working for several months or several years. We just don’t know. But I do know that going to chemo and immunotherapy every other week instead of having chemo every week has struck the perfect balance for me of quantity vs quality. If this keeps working for me, this is certainly doable. I had a little neuropathy in my toes the past two weeks, mostly after sleeping and on days I was on my feet a lot. But other than that, no side effects! I was even less tired and was able to have more energy in the evenings and do without afternoon naps or espresso! I can live like this, and I pray these drugs keep working for a very long time.
I am feeling pretty much “normal” these past few weeks, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It feels really great. I am feeling better about myself lately, too. My hair is really growing, and I’ve had it cut into a cute style. I no longer look like I have cancer. I got a Beautycounter tinted brow gel, and it has really helped the limited eyebrows I have left stand out again. And I’ve lost 12 pounds. It is just showing me that I can live a quality life with this diagnosis, and so do other women.
I am amazed by all the other positive, supportive women in my online support groups. I was going to get out of the couple I started with because it was rather frightening hearing about what is to come, and I didn’t want to get drawn into a place I am just not in yet. But, instead, I joined a few more, more specific to my cancer type and one comprised of people taking the same therapy as me, and I have been amazed by how strong, determined, successful and supportive other metastatic women fighting this disease can be.
Anyway, I’ve realized I need to find the right balance of slowing down and enjoying life one day at a time with still going after my dreams and still pursuing what I want to do with the rest of my life (regardless of having a terminal illness). I guess that’s what we’re all striving for, right? For a while, I went through a stage of slowing down and living one day at a time but questioning whether I should keep going after I want if I’m never going to see it through. But after thinking a lot about quantity and quality a lot the past couple of weeks, I know I have to strike a balance between the two, and I think I’ve found I’m in a happy place lately.
So, everything is good for now. I will have scans again in three to four months. I don’t know what those scans will bring, but for now, everything is going great! I will try to update again next week and for sure from chemo two weeks from today!