Are You Positive?

I am going to be real in this blog. My middle son wants to move out of the house in two weeks when he turns 18. He’s adopted, and we’ve had our struggles throughout the years with some related, and some unrelated, issues, like most families. I was taking his wanting to move out personally, like I take everything, unfortunately.

But today, he asked me to sit down and help him create a budget to see if moving out would even be feasible for him. I told him I would, and we ended up having a three-hour conversation instead. About life. A deep, real, philosophical conversation about life. The kind I used to love having with my grandfather when I was growing up. The kind I used to have with one of my best friends growing up. And I haven’t had a good philosophical conversation in decades. I’d missed it.

Today, I was trying to open my son‘s eyes to the reality of what moving out before he graduates from high school might mean for him and his future, and he ended up teaching me a lot about my own future and how I have been going through life, a different kind of life, this life with cancer. We weren’t talking about cancer at all, but, afterward, our talk really made me think about some things in my own cancer journey.

I’m doing great physically lately, but my mind still thinks something about cancer every day. I think my husband fears I dwell on it; I think I’m still just trying to process everything, one step at a time, one day at a time. I’ve been thinking about all the emotions wrapped up in cancer: anger, sadness, fear. Metastatic cancer puts you on a rollercoaster of emotions as you are either elated or devastated every few months, every time it’s scan results time again. And I thought that it was pretty black and white: you can either deal with it positively or negatively. But it’s not black and white. Cancer patients move from periods of anger or sadness or fear once, twice, or more times, especially at diagnosis.

For me, I have never been angry about my diagnosis. It is what it is. I’ve never wondered why me. But I recognize it would be totally understandable if I had been angry or thought it unfair. I have not yet been very sad about my diagnosis either. I save that for later, as I’m sure there will be plenty of room for that. But I recognize other patients could be sad, especially the mothers of young children or the women and men who are young themselves. I haven’t been particularly fearful yet – just trying to take everything as it comes. And sometimes I wonder why I haven’t experienced these emotions. And now I realize I have been thinking of these emotions as negative. And I am going to be positive, darnit, because I believe that being positive can change things in my body and keep me alive longer, and I believe that being positive will just get me through this easier.

Then, I started to think about how some people seem to be in denial, and if they’d just accept this diagnosis, they could resolve to be positive and have positive and not negative attitudes and feelings. But feelings aren’t anything more than feelings, and we have to just experience them as they ebb and flow.

Maybe it’s not that cancer patients have to deal with all these extra feelings. Maybe it’s that they’re, we’re, moving through the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. And people don’t move through those feelings/stages all in order. We’re having to accept that we’re dying. We’re having to accept a new way of life and living. We’re having to confront our own demise.

I have wondered throughout this long journey which is best: to die with no knowledge or to die with impending warning. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t want to know about my death(and maybe still don’t know as I could get hit by a bus tomorrow), and sometimes I think I have liked knowing because I can prepare myself and others, I can prepare what I want to prepare, and I can really focus on enjoying each day and trying to do what I want with the time I have left (I’ve gotten laser-focused on this.).

I think I have gone through denial. I might still be in denial as I haven’t had a bad journey so far. I can still live life pretty normally. It’s different, but it’s pretty much still normal for me. Or at least I can definitely deal with this new normal. I haven’t been angry yet. Maybe I will get angry as I suffer more complications or as I think about what this will do to my family. I have definitely bargained – Dear God, if you heal me, I promise to look for ways to serve you for the rest of my life. And I think I have actually accepted this diagnosis. I think that once you’ve accepted it, you can choose how you want to look at it – positively or negatively, and you can do something with it.

Some people find a purpose in their diagnosis, some find religion, some delve into research and become advocates for themselves and others, some people focus on their health and being the healthiest they can become, and some focus on their bucket lists. Others get bitter and wallow and upset at everyone and everything. I think it is better to accept the diagnosis and do something for the better with it. At least for yourself, if not for others. But, through thinking about all this, I’ve become curious about the ways people deal with their cancer diagnoses – what they DO with them. Maybe the idea for another book?! It’s just got me thinking, so that’s why I’m blogging about all this. It’s what’s on my mind about cancer lately, while everything is great for me physically, even though I still have metastatic breast cancer. It’s what has me thinking just a couple of days after I just blogged. Ugh!

So, sorry if this has been way more than you asked for in a blog post from me, and sorry if you just wanted an update! I use my blog as my own therapy and to sort through all my feelings, and boy, did I have a lot on my mind after talking to and philosophizing with my son!

I think with cancer, you have to feel everything and deal with everything on your mind so that you can move forward and move forward in a positive frame of mind. I have heard comments from cancer patients who angry, bitter, jealous, negative, fearful, and those in denial. I understand they’re completely normal thoughts and emotions. But after considering negative feelings and people, I’m still convinced it is vital on a cancer journey to be positive throughout this journey because it’s better for yourself, for everyone else and for your health. You have to push through the negative to find the beauty, the peace and the acceptance in all of it. I am convinced, as with everything, more than ever, that it is always better to be positive than negative. And if I hope that anything comes out of this blog, and out of my life, it is the message to always choose to be positive. Supportive. Encouraging. Kind. My list could go on and on …

On another note, I was feeling pretty crummy after chemo last night. I felt flulike – weak and achy and had my chemo headache. But I was able to sleep in today and woke up feeling much better! Woo hoo! So, you shouldn’t hear from me until Thursday at the soonest because I’ll be busy living this life I live, as Rory Feek would say!