She Flew
I chose the image above today in honor of someone who lived her cancer journey by choosing to fly. It was a girl in my sister’s high school class who I never knew but who I “met” through Facebook through a friend of mine who is friends with her. She helped show me how to survive, how to thrive and how to fly with this disease. She was the most positive fighter I “knew.” So I am heartbroken for her family this week as she died two days ago after a very, very long fight at such a young age with metastatic breast cancer. I am devastated that all the positive role models I have had along this journey, I have lost — my aunts, my mom’s cousin and now my sister’s classmate. I am finding that I am outliving the statistics. People in my support groups are leaning on me for advice and hope. It’s a very weird feeling. I have some survivor’s guilt, and I wonder about my own death and when it will come.
I am finding it hard to write from chemo now because I get absolutely knocked out from one of my nausea premeds. I sleep at chemo, and I sleep hard. I woke up disoriented and not knowing where I was or where I was at in my regimen this past Wednesday! Then, I’m usually groggy and knocked out for the rest of the day once I get home.
Also, chemo seems to knock me down for a couple of days afterward now. I was tired and had muscle and joint pain and neuropathy for a couple of days. My new massage pad did wonders, and I find I am using it every night, and my muscles and joints don’t ache so much anymore, not even going up the stairs.
I have become obsessed lately with trying to pack as much into every day as I can and get really frustrated when I don’t accomplish everything on my list. I still feel like I am in a race against time, and I want to get as much in as possible while I can. I have started long workouts again, and that seems to really help. I can think on the treadmill and try to relax about the things that don’t get done. I was at the end of my workout the other day, and I realized I had the same song on repeat for 45 minutes! I guess I must have really been in my head the whole time! I listen to my Key West folder. The kids laugh because my music is so “old”. It’s the same playlist I listened to while I swam every day in Key West, and it puts me right back there in the warm water with the sun beating down on my black cap. HEAVEN. So, I’ve enjoyed working out again, and I think it is giving me more energy, which has been great.
I was talking to someone this past week about being down on myself, and she told me that I need to focus on the things about myself that I can change. So, I had a hair appt. to help me feel better about having short (always wanting to curl up) hair, and I got serious about getting back into shape and losing some of this chemo weight once and for all. It has really kind of renewed my spirit. I am feeling really good this week. I am focusing on prayer, positivity and purpose. I think those things are all important in a cancer fight and in life. I even applied for a job. My kids are older, and I miss having a sense of purpose now, but I have resisted applying for a job because of a fear of getting sick and not being able to work anymore and, well, because I might die soon. But I am feeling so good — I am flying — so I applied to advise students on their college essays. It’s mostly seasonal work, but that’s probably perfect for me. And it combines my love of writing and editing with my love of teaching. So, fingers crossed! Hopefully, I’ll hear something this fall. Full of hope in more ways than one right now! Life is good! I’m feeling “normal” and better than I have in a long time!
I will try to write again from chemo next Wednesday. This week is my week off. In the meantime, I’m going to try to keep my sister’s classmate’s memory alive by continuing to fight this with prayer, positivity and purpose. And grace. Lots and lots of grace. Rest in peace, Christel.