The Symbol of My Journey
When I used to teach symbolism in poetry to my high schoolers, I’d always start with something simple; I’d hold up a big, red heart, and they got the symbolism right away. But my Valentine’s Day symbol this year is not a big, red heart; it’s the symbol above. I love that it’s an arrow on a journey into/through infinity. The infinity sign has held more meaning for me along this cancer journey. I’ve given infinity symbol charms and necklaces to my family and friends I exchange gifts with. Friends and family forever. And now I love this reimagined infinity symbol because it shows I am — we all are — on a journey. The saying that comes with the bracelet I bought above reads: Embrace the experiences; live in the moment; trust the journey. This symbol is a reminder that we are all on a journey and that no matter what the twists and turns, we should embrace it! LOVE it! It’s what I’ve learned along my cancer journey, and I want to be reminded of that daily — to embrace this journey and the journey of life — to live in the moment — and to trust the journey. I am just embracing the moments at this point in my journey. I am healthy, and I am happy. That’s all I can ask for.
I dropped a medication I’ve been taking for a long time and started another one, which was actually initially used for chemo, but now it is used for something totally different. It makes me nervous to do this because what if I had the magic combo. of medications going, and now something will change? What if my cancer comes back? I also started intermittent fasting, and I am wondering if that will change anything for me. Will it help fend the cancer off? Will it make it come back? I am afraid to make any changes because I don’t want to interrupt whatever is working right now! So, while I am comfortable just living each day in the present now, my mind does wander to the future sometimes, wondering when this cancer will come back. It’s a fear I have to learn to live with, but when things are going so well right now, I just don’t want it to come back. I don’t think the fear ever goes away, and it’s just a different way to live. And I haven’t quite figured it out yet. So, nothing going on with cancer this week. Everything is great! The fight is just mental right now.
Oh, and my hair is getting longer! It’s at the middle of my ears now! Kind of annoying, actually because it sticks out, and I can’t yet tuck it behind my ear. But I’m loving it!! Today, Aleks said, “Mom, what’s that shimmering in your hair? It’s like you have glitter in your hair!” I looked in the mirror. Nope, just gray hairs! Now that my hair is getting longer, it’s a lot more noticeable! UGH!!!!! And it’s too short still to highlight, so I’m just going to have to embrace them and go with the gray gracefully. Yup, that’s me, Grace Kelly.
And with this talk of living one day at a time, I have to admit: I can’t help it — I am looking to tomorrow already — excited for Valentine’s Day and a FILET! YUM! What more could a girl ask for?!
Happy Big, Red Heart Day , everyone! I’ll write from chemo on Wednesday!