Scared to Death But Saddling Up Anyway
I am writing a day ahead of chemo because my treatment tomorrow is changing. The past few days I have been reading in my triple negative cancer groups on Facebook that my immunotherapy, Tecentriq, is off the fast track for FDA approval, and tomorrow it isn’t guaranteed that my immunotherapy will be covered. Really not wanting to be stuck with a $17,000 bill, so I’ve been worried — about what this means for my treatment and what this means for me. It isn’t clear whether the company that makes Tecentriq will reapply for FDA funding, and it’s not clear what will happen for the people who are doing well on Tecentriq. So, until there is more information, I will either be receiving my chemo only tomorrow (Abraxane), or I will have to put off treatment for a week. Not really excited about that last option.
I am on my first line of treatment, a combo of Abraxane and Tecentriq that works together — the chemo fights the cancer, and the immunotherapy boosts my immune system. This is my first line of treatment. I’ve been on it for two years, and it is working, so I am scared to death of changing anything until it stops working. Here I thought I might be able to take a break from the chemo at some point and just rely on the immunotherapy like I have heard other patients doing, but now it’s the other way around, and I’d never considered that possibility. I’m afraid of it, to be honest.
My oncologist called me this afternoon. He said that it may be OK for me to go off of the immunotherapy and just remain on the chemo since I am doing so well on the chemo and because the Tecentriq’s job was to boost my immune system, and that has happened. So, we’re going to try just the Abraxane. Again, really nervous, but I trust my doctor. Tonight, I’ll be reading up on how I can keep my immune system working well. If it involves diet change and exercise, I’m all in. And when I decide to do something, I AM all in!
There is a saying that success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. My successful treatment is apparently not final, and its failure may not be fatal; it’s the courage to continue that counts. I think it is a fitting saying for tonight as I am struggling to focus on the positive and muster up courage as my treatment changes a bit. I am also having to really focus on being positive and courageous since a local girl I met through Facebook who had the same type of cancer as me (triple negative) died a couple of days ago. She was diagnosed after me and died before me. I have survivor’s guilt. She had two young boys. I am devastated for her family. She was PDL1 negative, and I am PDL1 positive, meaning that I qualified for the immunotherapy, and she didn’t. :( I am feeling lucky and blessed that I just happened to qualify for the immunotherapy because I know it could have easily been the other way around — a 50/50 chance. But now, I won’t be on the immunotherapy, and I am honestly nervous. If you are reading this and have a favorite quote about positivity or courage, leave me a comment or text or message it to me. I’d appreciate them.
At chemo tomorrow, I’ll be mustering up some courage, saying lots of prayers, and reading up all I can on how to strengthen my immune system. It’ll be a shorter session tomorrow if I’m only getting Abraxane, so I won’t write again from chemo unless I find out I’ll have to postpone treatment for a week. Then, there will be more emotions!!
Going to just try to focus on faith and living one day at a time. I’ll keep you posted! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!