Words to Live By

UPDATE: Rumors are going around my Facebook groups that those who are doing well on Tecentriq can stay on it. I’ll ask my doctor if that is true when I talk to him next week. 🙏

My mom always says that everything happens for a reason. I grew up believing that. The past couple of days, I have been trying to process the news that I cannot receive my immunotherapy anymore. I have been trying to make sense of why this is happening. But, like getting cancer, I can’t question why. I just have to have faith that everything happens for a reason. And after doing dishes this morning (my thinking time), I have finally accepted that this is just what it is now, and I have to move forward and do it with a positive attitude. The past couple of days, I have been angry. I was angry that something that was working had to stop. I was angry it might shorten my life. I was angry at Genentech. I have never felt anger about my cancer or treatment before, and the feeling surprised me.

I believe cancer patients go through the five stages of grief, not necessarily in order. I have felt denial. I might be in it now, somewhat, as I try to live pretending metastatic cancer isn’t happening to me. I have definitely felt bargaining. God, if you heal me, I will try to be the best person I can be, and I promise to do your will the rest of my life. I have had moments of depression, and I think those feelings will come as the disease progresses. And I think I have accepted this diagnosis and can find peace with whatever happens. But anger? This is new. I have had bouts of anger in my life, but, in general, I am not an angry person, and the feeling is strange and uncomfortable for me, and I really don’t know what to do with it.

I was doing dishes this morning, and I realized that anger about this wouldn’t get me anywhere. But I am not good at flipping my thoughts to positive ones when I’m feeling something negative. So, I was basically stewing in self pity until I realized that I am actually grateful to Genentech. I owe them two years of my life. How can I be mad about not being able to continue with Tecentriq when I should be extremely grateful that it got me to NED and kept me cancer free for two years? I can’t imagine how much of a shorter journey or more painful journey I might have had if it had not been for Tecentriq and Genentech. Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

So, I just wanted everyone to know that after a couple of days of feeling angry and feeling sad and feeling afraid of what will happen next, I am feeling much better. I am focusing on being thankful, faithful and hopeful as we go into the next step in my treatment. I am going to try living in the present each day till my next scan, being appreciative of the time I have, the time I’ve had. And I am going to believe that this has happened for a reason because I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason.