A Little Meltdown
Last night, I was preparing dinner, and my body just ached everywhere. I was feeling some neuropathy in my fingers and toes, which is unusual for me, and my back and neck were tight, and I was just feeling very physically tired. I’ve probably been pushing myself too hard lately and not resting enough. I’m usually tired by the time I make dinner, and last night I was just REALLY tired. I had my first little meltdown on this entire journey. The thought went through my head that this is my life now. I am dependent on chemo for the rest of my life. Usually, I am grateful for chemo because I know it is my lifeline. But last night, the thought went through my head, and it was negative. I went upstairs, had a little meltdown and she’d some tears. Tired tears. But I’ve been learning to be more compassionate toward myself, and I gave myself a break. I’ve been on chemo for two years now. I’m bound to get tired. It’s just really frustrating to me that I can’t keep going, going, going anymore. It’s forcing me to rest, and I have guilty feelings about that that I am trying to release. I finished the book for book club. The Silent Patient was excellent. I love psycho thrillers, and this one didn’t disappoint. So, I ordered the author’s second book, and I am going to try to relax and read more now. Maybe if I am doing something I like, I won’t feel so guilty about just relaxing.
So, I am all prepared for book club at the Wellness House the end of October! My advanced cancer support group there starts in two weeks. I’m already getting nervous about it, but I know it will be good for me. We may stop by the house for a tour today if I get out of chemo early.
I’m waiting for my chemo to start. It’s a beautiful, sunny fall-ish day in Annapolis, and I have a window seat. It’s peaceful and quiet here this morning, and I am at peace, too. I’m back to not worrying about cancer and just living life until my next scan in December or January. While time is going so fast, and it’s already almost October, December and January still seem a ways away, so I am happy and content living NED. And my hair has grown into a normal, even style now, and lately, I’ve been able to style it!! It’s the small things! But I am really grateful I’ve been able to have my hair on this regimen.
I bought a couple more bracelets, above. They’re little reminders to me throughout the day to be thankful, grateful, faithful and hopeful. Oh, and I am watching my carbs and sugars, and I am FINALLY losing some of this chemo weight!! I am so happy! Exercise alone wasn’t doing anything because I am sooo slow at both running and walking now because of the fatigue. So, between some weight loss and my hair being a normal length and style now, I am feeling more like me again, and it’s so nice to look in the mirror and recognize myself again.
Well, my premeds have arrived, so I will sign off. Will write again in a couple of weeks! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!