Goodbye Guilt!
Tomorrow begins Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Usually, I try to do something to raise awareness – swim a swim, run a race, walk a walk, raise funds, support purchases of pink products, etc. But this year, I am going to do something more simple but just as important. I’m going to open up about when I first discovered I had breast cancer in hopes it will encourage you all to do your self exams and get your mammograms and ultrasounds. I’m going to write about something I have held inside and haven’t told anyone, not even my mom, who is my best friend, because it stirs up a lot of guilt. We women are good at carrying around a lot of guilt, especially as moms. I have learned a lot about guilt this year, and I am learning to let it go. It doesn’t do any good. So, I am going to let this guilt I have about my cancer go now. I started this blog to keep people updated on my health, but it has become a place where I vent and process my thoughts, feelings and emotions regarding my cancer. It has grown into something I hope will help other cancer patients and caregivers. So, while I often use this space to write with myself in mind, today I am going to write with you all in mind.
This week, Katie Couric came out in the public stating that she has been battling breast cancer. And I am going to echo her message: Get checked. Do your self exams, and get your mammograms and ultrasounds. Early detection is so key. And I mean, early. The earlier the better. Even Stage Zero cancer can turn into metastatic cancer. You know your body best, and even if you have doubts or think “this is strange” or “this is different,” get yourself an appointment as soon as you can. Don’t overthink it, and don’t wait. You can always cancel your appointment, and, sometimes, it’s not easy to get an appt. quickly.
I’m going to tell you about how I found my cancer again, but this time, I’m going to tell you what I leave out whenever I tell my story – the guilt. The guilt I have that I waited. Not long. Just a month. If even. But I waited until I was sure something was wrong and different, and by then it had spread. Into my lymph node. Just one. And perhaps just one little cell. But possibly out into my body. Way back then. In 2015. And here I am, luckily still here in 2022, still feeling the guilt. The what if? Not the why me? But the what if? What if I had made an appt. as soon as I felt something strange and different?
In May or June of 2015, I was showering, and I felt a lump underneath my breast when I was washing off. Not searching or doing a self exam. Had I done that, maybe I’d have felt it earlier? Who knows? I’m not even sure how I found it washing off because it was deep under my breast, in the 6 o’clock position, as the doctor would write on my chart. But I think the body has a way of telling us when something is off, something is different. And this lump was different. I’d had several cysts throughout my life, but they always moved and were squishier. This was a small, hard, immovable lump, maybe the size of a small marble. Not all tumors will feel this way, but mine did. The key, for me, was that it was different. I went out into the bedroom and asked my husband if I should make an appt. He kind of agreed with me that I should watch it. I knew that if it got bigger or didn’t go away, I would make an appt. It was still there after a couple of weeks, so I made an appt. and got in after a month of first noticing the lump.
I went to the doctor, really expecting to be told this was another cyst, but believing it was cancer because it was different. The doctor couldn’t find the lump at first, but when I pointed it out, it was obvious this sucker needed to be checked by ultrasound. This little lump was tucked directly under the center of my right breast. It was in a location that I believe a doctor could easily miss when they do their breast exams, especially a doctor who doesn’t do a thorough exam, one who is in a rush, or one who doesn’t do a thorough exam because they think you’re too young to have breast cancer or you don’t have a family history of breast cancer. I’m not knocking doctors because I have had some of the best, but based on some of the previous breast exams I’ve had at gyno appts., I could see a doctor missing my lump. I am only saying this so that you do your own exams first and that you trust your gut. You have to advocate for yourself. I once told a doctor that I have a family history of breast cancer: my grandmother, my aunt and a cousin. He told me – get this – that if my mom never had breast cancer, then I didn’t need to have more frequent screening. So, I didn’t. I’m not saying what if? But maybe it would have been caught sooner with an earlier screening? So, do your own research, listen to your body, do your self exams, and get your mammograms and ultrasounds. Oh, and one more thing – find out if you have dense breast tissue, and, if you did, advocate for more frequent screening for yourself on top of doing your own exams and keeping up with those more frequent tests. I had dense breast tissue, and I wish I would have known this sooner.
My friends are always great about texting me to tell me they scheduled their exams every year. 😊 And if you’re one of them, it’s time to do it again! 😊
So, today, I am going to let my guilt go. I didn’t know any better. I did what I thought was best at the time. And I did catch it fairly early at Stage 2 or 3. Triple negative is just a fast-spreading, aggressive form of breast cancer (and one that is affecting younger women). I truly believe that what is meant to be will be; I have learned great lessons from my cancer, and I have become a different person who I never would have become without going through this. I’m lucky to have been given the time to learn all this and process all of this. Some cancer patients aren’t so lucky. I’m just doing what I can do to handle all this … one day at a time … to find the good and the blessings in all of this.
I’m trying to just live each day sort of like normal and not think about cancer till chemo every two weeks, but it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and the messages are everywhere. So, for me, go out and do and get your exams this month! Even tell me if you want! I’ll laugh and smile and celebrate with you! *Insert Happy Dance Here* Stay safe and healthy, everyone!