Living Out My Dreams
Time is moving so fast, but it seems like it has been a long two weeks since my last chemo. Maybe it is because there has been so much going on in the last two weeks with Christmas, guests and a funeral.
My nurse just came over to tell me it’s my Zometa day. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot all about it! I have a lot to do this weekend. I don’t want to be spending it on the couch! Gonna have to take some Advil when I get home. I’m already taking Claritin daily to keep my immunotherapy working, so hopefully that will help.
I’ve been experiencing some pretty significant hair thinning. I noticed it in my hairbrush, in my bangs, and when I wear my hair up. It’s happening so fast, I don’t think it’s from aging.🤪 I am afraid I’m losing my hair again, which is weird after having longer hair for four years on this regimen. My mind jumps to: Is this chemo and immuno working anymore? What’s going on? What’s changing? My nurse said it would be uncommon for it to fall out suddenly after having it for four years, so hopefully, it’s not falling out but just thinning. It seems to get worse every time I wash it, so I’ve been trying to wash it every other day now. I really don’t want to lose it because it is the one thing that makes me feel “normal,” like I don’t have metastatic cancer.
Right before Christmas, my grandma’s wonderful sister died. She was a great person who lived a long, good life, but she died from cancer, so I am feeling survivor’s guilt again. Too many people I have cared about have gotten cancer after me and died before me. It makes me feel a lot of survivor’s guilt. It was good to get a chance to say goodbye to her and spend some time with extended family. And it is good to picture her in Heaven with her grandmother, mom, husband and my grandpa. It makes me feel like I can die in peace, and it makes me feel good they’re up there watching over me.
Reflecting on the new year, I’ve decided that I will handle whatever this new year brings, whether it is living NEAD, fighting a recurrence, or dying. One of my friends from high school is a pastor now. He had posted a verse from Ecclesiastes (11:7-10; 12:1-14) on his Facebook page. Let’s live like we’re dying. And that’s just what I want to do in 2023. LIVE like I’m dying. Because that is what cancer has ultimately taught me to do.
And, thanks to a friend, I am going to live to 100! She gave me the best Christmas gift – The Blue Zones Kitchen Live to be 100 cookbook!! Can’t wait to try some of these recipes from the cultures that produce the people on earth who live the longest. I’ll be honest; food is the one area of my life/health where I haven’t made any changes since being diagnosed with cancer. I have always tried to eat a low carb, low sugar diet, and I always cook and eat all natural food. But I eat whatever I want. I don’t exclude meat or drink more green smoothies like some cancer patients, mostly because I’ve done so well without making any changes. But I am open to trying the recipes in my new cookbook. They’re all-natural recipes that are tried and true. What a very practical and thoughtful gift from a special friend for a cancer patient. It told me that she wants to help, that she cares about me, and she wants me to live to be 100! Can’t wait to start cooking!
I posted my dream board above from my dream board class with the Wellness House. It was an amazing class with Crystaline. I have a lot of things I want to focus on and do in 2023, but my affirmation from Crystaline said that I should focus on my top priorities. That’s what I have struggled with since being diagnosed with metastatic cancer, trying to do it all before I die. But getting it all down on my board and seeing it on my wall every day makes me excited about the time I have left instead of dreading not having enough time left. And no matter what happens in 2023, I will handle it.
Will write again from chemo in two weeks! Stay safe and healthy everyone!