From Where I Sit

From where I sit at chemo today, I can see the sun shining in, even though I don’t have a window seat. Yesterday was a warm, rainy day, and today I woke up to a layer of snow on the ground! This crazy Maryland weather! I am happy and feeling positive as the chemo and immuno course through my veins, refueling me with precious life. I spoke with my oncologist, and my bloodwork and organ function is good, so we continue on with what’s working. I’m feeling great and am just busy living. I try to take breaks more, not to sweat the small stuff and not feel guilty about taking good self care, and I’m a lot more aware of and appreciate all the blessings in my life, which is what cancer has taught me to do. But I’m just living, and I’m loving it. I am more hopeful than ever and have begun thinking for the first time that maybe I can live longer than the five year mark that statistics warn me about. I even wonder if I can go off of chemo and maybe immunotherapy at some point. Some patients go off treatment while others stay on just immunotherapy. There are positives and negatives about both. I don’t know if these are good ideas, and I haven’t asked my doctor about these options because I’m happy to be sticking to my treatment right now while it is working and while I don’t have many side effects from it. I am doing really well. I’m walking almost every day, have started losing some of this weight, and I’m eating completely all natural since the new year. It feels good to try to do everything I can to try to keep this cancer away. I know I am not in control of my cancer, and that’s OK. It just makes me feel better to do the best I know how to do so I don’t blame myself when it comes back. I can see myself thinking – I should have exercised more, I should have eaten better, I should have stopped drinking alcohol. I don’t want to feel any of that guilt someday. In any case, I know eating well, avoiding chemicals, and exercising are just good things to do, and I feel good doing them, so no harm done. So, life is good right now. I am on pins and needles waiting to see if my oldest son gets into the Army this week. But I am hopeful and happy, and that’s how I’m feeling about life as a metastatic cancer thriver right now too. I’ll update from chemo again in two weeks. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!