The Hats I Wear
My favorite role I’ve had in this life has been writer. I am most happy, confident, and content when I am writing. It has always helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings. I’ve always been a very quiet person and sometimes feel the only way I can truly express what I am thinking and feeling is through writing. I’ve been wondering lately if I should stop blogging about my cancer journey until my cancer comes back. I am finding that I don’t have the need to blog as much anymore. Writing my blog and my devotional has really helped me deal with all my thoughts and emotions regarding my cancer, and I’m in a really good place right now. I don’t have to worry about my cancer right now, so I am not going to waste time on worrying when I don’t need to and not until I have to again. I just feel really lucky and blessed to be in remission right now. And I’m not going to take this time in remission for granted. I’m going to enjoy it for as long as I can. It’s just amazing to me that it has taken eight years of dealing with cancer to finally be able to not think about it and worry about it on a daily basis. I am lucky to have been able to process having cancer, process life and the lessons I’ve learned about it through having cancer, and process my life and even my death.
I am thinking about cancer today because I had my port study yesterday. Results: my port is still working like a charm after four years! They suspect I had a clot in it that was making blood return difficult but that the “Draino” they injected into it at chemo probably resolved the issue. In any case, it is good to know that nothing is wrong with my port. It was a simple procedure in which I laid flat, and they accessed my port. They injected something into it to detect if there were any leaks or any other issues with it and took a couple of Xrays. The nurses, doctor, and radiologist were all super nice and caring and explained everything they were doing. I learned that the most common issue with a port that doesn’t work is the buildup of platelets that create a sheath over the port. It was cool to watch the screen as they did it. I could see my port and its placement inside of me. And am happy that things are still good! I had it placed at Walter Reed, and I have never had any issue with it till lately. They did a great job, and all the nurses and people who deal with it always ask who placed it because it has been working great for the past four years.
I think I wrote in my last post that my doctor will order my next scan during our next telehealth appt. and that it will be scheduled for November.
My middle son was home for a couple of weeks the past two weeks. I hadn’t seen him in a year and a half, and he came home so grown up and so happy. We visited my oldest son in WV, and he was so grown up and so mature, too. I was really proud of them, and I feel so good about them being able to handle things on their own now in case something happens to me. All I’ve ever wanted for my kids is that they have good values, are kind and caring people, and that they are independent. They’ve all left home for different states and have explored, have had great adventures and have learned a lot out on their own. I couldn’t be prouder.
I’ve started to up my physical activity. I’m on the treadmill in the morning and in the pool treading water in the afternoons. It wears me out so bad, but it’s important. I’m just going to have to learn to embrace the naps I need when I up the activity. It’s a mental battle for me and extremely frustrating that I can’t do near what I used to be able to do, but I am really trying to listen to my body and embrace resting when I need to. I have to give myself some grace when I’ve been on chemo and immuno for four years. I have to rest sometimes. But I don’t like not being able to keep up with everything I want or need to do. It’s going to be a real problem for me in the future if and when this cancer returns. But I don’t have to worry about that right now. Right now, I’m going to try to get some relief from this heat and head out to the pool. Then, I’ll probably come in for a nap. UGH!!!
Oh, and I read an article about how beneficial it is for cancer patients to journal and write. I think I could’ve written the book on that one! 😉So, I’ll just keep swimming and just keep writing -- when I need to – both to keep you updated on what’s going on and to process my thoughts and feelings on this cancer journey of mine. I want people to know what having cancer is truly like – the good, the bad and the ugly. And I want people to know what it’s like thriving with metastatic cancer as more and more people are able to do that. Thriving with cancer has its own ups and downs. So, I’ll continue to feel the feels – the good and the bad – as I continue on, as I survive with this terminal disease.