Port Problems (Cont.) and Polish Pops
This morning at chemo, my port would not return blood again. The nurses had me trying everything short of standing on my head. The trick, apparently, is lying on my left side as far forward as I can get with the nurse lying on top of me! That’s “port side” for me. It’s frustrating how it won’t work when the port study showed that it is working great. Oh, well, nothing I can do about it. It just makes the chemo day longer. I slept in this morning, so I was able to stay awake and alert throughout chemo today. I got lots done, but I ran out of time to blog. Not much to post today, just a few things.
I can’t get mad at my port for being a stickler when it’s been so great for so long, four years. The nurse was surprised when she announced it was my 41st cycle today when she looked at my chart. Two years’ worth of chemo. That is impressive. What she didn’t know is that I’m actually on twice as many cycles since I had treatment at Walter Reed before that. It was amazing to think that I have been on this first line of treatment and have had metastatic cancer for four years. I’m really hoping to make it past that scary five-year mark. If I do, I’ll have hope for even more. I order my calendars based on the school year, and I just ordered another one. A fresh calendar. I always flip through it wondering if something will change this year, if my cancer will come back and when. But, mostly, I am hopeful this year. I am hopeful things will keep working with my current regimen, and I’m even hoping to get that European vacation on my calendar at some point. Or maybe the tiki huts in the Bahamas first. I travel North to South way better than I travel West to East. I get major culture shock in a new place. I even got culture shock when we moved to and from Key West! Anyway, I’m starting to make some goals for the fall and into next year, and it feels good.
Another small victory is that my hair is getting long again, like to the point it was at before cancer started, before my original diagnosis in 2015. It has taken me that long to be able to have my hair as long as I want it, and I feel like I am back, like I recognize myself in the mirror again. I don’t want to think that it does, but hair really has a lot to do with self esteem, at least mine does, even though I spend a lot of time hiding behind it. Having cancer has taken confidence away from me in some ways and given me more confidence in others. So, has the various stages of having, or not having, hair during cancer.
Oh, that reminds me of a conversation I was having with someone recently about how cancer makes me feel very lonely sometimes. It’s a very lonely journey because not everyone understands what it’s like to have cancer, to lose your hair, to have to deal with your mortality, and not everyone knows or understands what you’re going through because they can’t unless they’re going through it from your perspective. My husband has been the most supportive person of me on this journey. He has been there at every appt., every procedure, every blood test, every surgery, etc. But he can’t even truly understand what I’m going through because he’s not going through it. He’s had cancer like me, so he can relate in many ways, but every cancer journey is different. I can’t understand his journey though my cancer either. I can’t even fathom what it would be like to lose your wife and have to get through everything on your own. So, sometimes cancer can be very lonely. Which is one reason I blog, I guess! To get all those feelings out!
Didn’t plan on writing about that, but it’s something I’ve felt lately and was talking to someone about, so I thought I’d mention it. I get sooooo tired from treatment. Fatigue is my biggest side effect. And I don’t think anyone can understand just how tired I am because I try not to show it, and I try to live as normally as possible. I am determined to for as long as I can. Anyway, that’s where the loneliness comes in sometimes, when I’m trying to deal with some aspects of cancer and treatment on my own.
I think my anemia is better this week. I have tried to eat iron-rich foods at every meal and for every snack. I have more energy this week. I am treading water every day for at least 30 minutes, and it is feeling great on all my battle scars. I’m finally losing some of this chemo weight, and it’s very motivating. I will be sad when we have to close up the pool for the summer. I can’t believe the summer will be over in a month! I am hoping to get to the community pool this fall and winter. It’s one of my short term goals. I just hate that I can’t swim yet. I can’t hold my breath under water anymore like I can’t go up stairs without getting winded. I can walk forever or tread forever, but I can’t swim. Used to swim a mile a day, and now I can’t even make a lap. It’s been so frustrating. But I’m determined to go to the pool and tread and at least kick a mile again! Lap swimming is something cancer has taken away, but I’m not going to just accept this one; I’m going to get back to it, slowly but surely. Being in the pool just feels so good again.
What doesn’t feel good is this sharp, shooting pain I get on the side of my forehead, directly above my left eye. It last for just seconds, but happens every couple of minutes and has been going on for the past two days. I hate that my mind immediately goes to: This must be a brain tumor. Still jumping to the worst conclusion with every little ache and pain I have. I’ll just keep monitoring it and hoping it goes away soon. It’s just a really weird kind of headache, and hopefully, that’s all it is.
And, finally, I want to thank those of you who have placed Polish Pops orders recently. I really appreciate that you used my affiliate site. I hope you love them as much as I do! 😊They have helped my nails so much! So, I just wanted to say I appreciate you and all of you who continue on this journey with me! Will write again from chemo in two weeks! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!