Pondering Life and Puppies

I didn’t write from chemo on Wednesday because it went so fast this time. I had an awesome new nurse. I wasn’t really thinking about cancer even at chemo this week. But, boy, has it been on my mind the past 24 hours. It’s the first time I’ve felt mad at my cancer diagnosis, and it’s the first time it has made me sad. Since I was little, I’ve wanted three things: to be a writer, to have a Jeep, and to have a dalmatian. And a dalmatian in my Jeep? Perfect. I no longer have the Jeep, but I still want a dalmatian. I have been searching for the perfect dalmatian rescue for a long time. I anticipated wanting an older dog like my two other dogs, one that would be around their ages. But then I saw pictures of some adorable rescue puppies from a great rescue I’ve been following, and the momma in me wanted one fiercely. We were approved for adoption and were going to go get one of the puppies tomorrow. But my husband expressed his concerns about getting a puppy because if something happened to me, he would be the one left caring for three dogs, and a puppy would be quite a commitment. I have felt so good and been doing so well; I am in remission, and some days, I feel like I have this thing beat by some miracle. I hated that I had to even think about cancer when thinking about the future. I could die tomorrow being hit by a car, or my husband could. No one knows when or how he or she is going to die. But I had to think about my diagnosis -- and the statistics I hate looking at -- and think about the future when I am now used to living in the present, in the moment. And yesterday, in that moment, I wanted the puppy. I felt anger toward my diagnosis since it was the first time it was getting in the way of something I wanted. That is my biggest fear with cancer – that I am going to lose the ability to do things I want to do, and I don’t know how I am going to handle that. A Facebook friend I follow has the same cancer I do, and she’s in remission now, too. I was reading a post of hers yesterday, and she said she’s afraid of missing life. That’s another big fear I have with cancer. I don’t fear actual dying, but I fear missing life and missing out on life. Anyway, I’ve realized I try not to think about the future because I don’t know if I should dare to, if I’ll be here in one, five or 10 years. The unknown is the scary part of metastatic cancer. So, I’ve been really struggling lately with this whole empty nest thing – not feeling a sense of purpose anymore, and I really need to get my act together and figure out a new routine for myself and figure out what I want this next phase of life to look like. I realized I’m almost scared to make new goals for myself. I’ve always had goals – but not beyond  kids. I’ve accomplished everything I set out to accomplish in life, and I’ve had more amazing experiences than I ever could have imagined through being married to a Coast Guardsman. I don’t want to think about time; it’s what I don’t know what to do with – how I want to spend what I have left. But I need to. So, I’m going to set some new goals in the next couple of weeks. Maybe I’ll make small ones not too far out into the future and then set some farther down the line. It’s ironic that time is so precious to me now, but I’ve wasted it lately just trying to figure out how I want to spend it. And the problem is that I only want to spend it doing things I like or perceive as the things that matter in life, and I’ve been neglecting some things that I need to do and that you just need to do in life in order to live life. So, I’m at a point with my cancer diagnosis and with empty nesting that I need to figure out what I want my daily life and the rest of my life to look like. Big thoughts and feelings that came from a small puppy.

I had a telehealth appt. with my oncologist yesterday. I have a couple of side effects of treatment I’ve been dealing with, and he helped me out with them. I have anemia, which I’ve had at various points in my life because of celiac and because of treatment. We’re going to keep me on the Iron supplements that I’ve been taking and try to control it with diet, for now. I spent my morning looking up iron-rich foods, and YUCK. I hate almost everything on the lists: anchovies, oysters, sardines, chickpeas, spinach. But I found some things I like like potatoes, cashews and dark chocolate, and some things I can tolerate like hummus, salmon and beef. So, for the next couple of weeks, I’ll be concentrating on trying to up my iron intake and figure my life out!

I also have been fighting bad and worsening acid reflux for months, maybe a year. I am constantly popping Tums into my mouth, and I’m on medication for it. Basically, prescription Prilosec. My doctor said I can double my dosage for a week and see if that helps. If it doesn’t, we can try Protonix. So, there may be relief in sight! It’s all about managing the side effects, and I’m pretty darned lucky that I don’t have many on this treatment. I’ve just been really, really tired lately. I don’t know if it’s a cumulative effect of the treatment or if it’s from the anemia. But I’m not going to complain because I can take naps or drink lots of espresso in the afternoons when I wear down so much. Small price to pay for treatment that is fairly gentle and has worked so well for me. Just had a good scan in July, so probably not due for one till sometime this fall. Everything is going well, and I’m grateful. Just need to get my act together in this new phase of life and start thinking about the future. I’ve always been more of a dreamer than a realist, and that has always been the hardest part of dealing with this diagnosis. Do I dare to plan for a future or plan according to the statistics? I try to prepare for the statistics just in case because I like being prepared. But I’m also learning to let go a little and let God, as my grandma always told me to do.

Stay safe and healthy, and I’ll write again from chemo in two weeks!