Feeling All the Feels Lately

Forgive me if this post is not coherent. I have been through a lot the past couple of months, and I have been trying to process what has happened and why and how it all has happened. I usually can process through writing, but I’ve tried to write a few times here, and nothing has made much sense. I think that is because until today, I didn’t have enough information for things to make sense. I had a visit with my cardiologist today after returning to the ER a few days ago for a fast heart rate, which I have had since the bilateral pulmonary embolisms. On top of trying to figure out how and why they happened, I have been having a lot of depression. I know Eliquis interacts with my antidepressant by making Eliquis less effective or making the side effects, like more bleeding, worse; I can’t remember exactly. But I’m wondering if it makes my antidepressant less effective, as well. I have to wait a couple of weeks until I talk to my doctor about that. It’s just odd how I’ve been on my antidepressant since college, and I’m getting depressed since starting Eliquis, the blood thinner I’m on after the blood clots in my lungs.  Could be all the dark days we’ve been having lately, could be the new medication, or it could be me just trying to deal with the pulmonary embolisms and facing a tragic, sudden death vs the long, peaceful one I’ve been envisioning with cancer.

I have spent the past few weeks wondering if ending treatment has caused multiple concurrent health issues I’ve been dealing with, if longterm treatment had caused them, if the health issues were related in some way or if they were just coincidence, or if I just happened to have something else now other than cancer.

I was thinking the worst: that I am now at the five-year survival mark and that the pulmonary embolisms were the beginning of the end. That was depressing enough to think about and try to deal with. But after my trip to the ER a few days ago, and after my visit with my cardiologist today, I am feeling confident, hopeful, relieved, and healed again, well, at least healing!  I had gone on my Facebook groups for some support, and I saw that someone had posted about being scared in the emergency room with a pulmonary embolism. Within minutes, about a dozen other women had responded that they, too, had had pulmonary embolisms because, they said, blood thickens under cancer treatment. I don’t know if that’s true, but maybe it contributed to my having them? My cardiologist was awesome, asking me lots of questions, which is good because I’m not too good at divulging information. He got out of me that I had the stress fracture in my foot a few months ago, that I had worn a boot and that I had had so much swelling in my calf from it that I didn’t wear it nearly as long as I was supposed to. Then, he got out of me that I had had a Charley Horse-type of pain one night a couple of months ago, and his eyes lit up in an aha moment. It must have been then when the blood clots traveled to my lungs. He assigned me a heart monitor to wear for a week. In any case, he thinks that my heart rate is still high because I’m still recovering from the pulmonary embolisms. If it’s not a genetic disorder, it could mean that I wouldn’t need to be on the blood thinner for life. We’ll see?? The heart monitor is wireless, so that’s pretty nice. I’ll be interested to learn what it shows. Oh, and they’ve determined I have sinus tachycardia. I’ve had tachycardia for decades now, so it’s nice to know what type of tachycardia I have. I have read after Googling that a complication of sinus tachycardia can be blood clots?? Not sure if that’s true, but it sure is interesting. I also read that sinus tachycardia can be triggered by anxiety (Have I been having anxiety lately? Um … YES!), and dehydration. They gave me bag of fluid at the ER, and my heart rate went down. I also have had a more private reason for being dehydrated lately that coincides with the dates I’ve been in the hospital and the ER. But that’s just me jumping to conclusions. What I can feel better about after seeing the cardiologist today is that my sinus tachycardia is not related to cancer treatment or lack of treatment. Sometimes, it’s hard as a cancer patient to believe that I can get other things wrong with me that have nothing †o do with cancer. And one more thing I can feel better about lately — I have had chest CTs and bloodwork galore, and there are no tumors in my upper body, at least! I can work out without reservation again, and I can remain cancer-free off of treatment. It just puts my mind at ease right now. I feel MUCH better mentally and physically again.

It feels great after my spirits have been down, my symptoms have been rather debilitating, and I’ve been feeling some depression. I’m really frustrated with not being able to do things I want to do, feeling lazy, and feeling like I am wasting this time off chemo and immuno when I can get in shape and good health again for the next round of treatment. Also, my high school friend lost his wife to cancer last week. I’ve been sad for him and his kids, and I’ve been having a lot of survivor’s guilt again. It also makes me think about my own terminal diagnosis, so I’ve just been in a huge funk the past few weeks.

I did make it to the pool once last week. I kicked the whole time. Still not sure I have the breath to swim yet. It felt sooooooooooo good. I pushed it a little, so I dared not to pull myself out of the pool.  I swam under a few lanes to the ladder, and Oh. My. God. I could barely climb out and walk on my sea legs!! I’m either getting old or I had a good workout!! I’m going to go with the latter! I can’t wait to get back next week after the heart rate monitor comes off.

Well, that’s a past-due update from me. I have another doctor appointment April 1, so I’ll write again after that or if anything new comes up?! I am going to get outside for a walk on this gorgeous day. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!