Springing to Conclusions
Spring has sprung in Maryland! The flowers and flowering trees look amazing! I think Spring is the prettiest in Maryland and Virginia. I love all the crepe myrtles, forsythia, azaleas, and magnolias, just to name a few. The cherry blossoms were at their peak this weekend. They were early this year, but Spring has come perfectly on time for me this year. My aunt sent me an e-card showing Spring blooming. It was a good reminder to me that Spring is a time of growth and hope, and I, too, am in the season of growth and hope. Well, my body is. I am on a chemo break to get stronger and heal.
My body is going through a lot right now, and it has gotten me pretty down the past couple of months, but Spring is reminding me that I should be happy and healing and hopeful right now. I also talked to a friend who is going through some of the same medical issues as me right now, and she made me feel better. My attitude has improved, and I will deal with whatever is going on. It’s the unknown that I don’t like. But I’m slowly figuring things out … one day at a time. Patience has never been a strength of mine. I only learned to be better at it by parenting.
Anyway, I feel stupid for not thinking of this earlier, but I am wondering if I have cardiotoxicity from my four and a half years on chemo and immuno. It can lead to cognitive heart failure, and I’m even wondering if I’m in some stage of that. Cardiotoxicity is something that would explain everything I have been going through lately. I may be jumping to conclusions as I try to diagnose myself, but I am sure going to bring cardiotoxicity and CHF up with my primary care doctor at our appointment on Friday. I looked up the chemo I have been on, and it can cause irreversible cardiotoxicity. I hope I’m wrong about cardiotoxicity, but I am prepared. I don't like surprises, as you can tell from my reaction to the pulmonary embolisms. But if it is either of those things, I will deal with them and try to focus on the positive. I am in a time of healing and strengthening, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Spring is my favorite season.
I chose this saying pictured above today because I truly believe I have been given a miracle surviving with metastatic breast cancer this long, and if I have to live with cardiotoxicity, I am going to make the best of it and hope for another miracle. We’re in the season of hope, and as I’ve always said about metastatic cancer, hope is all we have.
I will write again after my appointment on Friday. I am going to ask my doctor about whether 1) I can have a couple of surgical procedures I need if I’m on a blood thinner, and 2) should I really have the procedures if cancer just seems to spread when people have surgeries? My risk/benefit decisionmaking seems to be getting more challenging, and it’s a little scary. If I do have cardiotoxicity, it will probably mean my chemo/immuno options will be more limited. Don’t want to think about that right now, and I don’t have to, so I shouldn’t. I’m thinking positive!! Right now, I am at my favorite local coffee place with a very Spring-y strawberry-rose latte. I’m writing and researching for another book I’ve started, and life is good. I take the heart monitor off on Saturday and turn it in on Monday. I am still pretty much constantly short of breath, and I’m physically tired from just trying to breathe, so I look forward to getting my results from the heart monitor back next week. Will keep you posted! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!