At The Hour of Our Death
I’m having a tough morning, not because of anything cancer-related, just because I returned home from a month in Wisconsin taking care of my dad, his funeral, and his things. Saturday mornings are when we’d catch up, and I’m really missing the good friend he had become this morning. He was a great support to me in life and on my cancer journey, and it feels empty now that his support is gone. I never thought he would die before me. I thought I was going to go first. Cancer truly had me believing I would die before my parents, and I was prepared for that.
When my dad was in a coma for 16 days, I was not thinking about cancer one iota. But after a month away from home, I’m thinking about it again. I’m worried my cancer will or has come back. My dad’s fight for life was a rollercoaster ride as things looked bleak, then he pulled through for a couple of days, and then a sudden brain hemorrhage ultimately took his life. I have never felt such stress – and I’ve had a lot of stress raising three older adopted children all at once! I know, without a doubt, that stress contributes to cancer, and now I’m sort of stressed that all the stress of the past month will bring my cancer back. I also was eating a lot of fast food, sitting and not exercising for hours at a time beside my dad, and I was eating past 7:30 p.m., which I had not been doing prior to the trip. I was downing coffee and not drinking any water, and I was using products with chemicals having to live out of my suitcase a lot longer than planned, and I usually avoid as many chemicals as possible in the products I use. But what’s done is done. I did what I had to do, and I know, ultimately, that no matter what I do or don’t do, my fate is in God’s hands and in God’s perfect timing. Nevertheless, I am trying to be in control of this thing I can’t control, and it feels good to get back to eating naturally, hydrating, using my chemical-free products and exercising daily again now that I am back home.
Even in dying, my dad taught me a lesson. I’d never been sitting with a person who was dying, watching him die. With cancer, I’d always assumed I’d eventually end up in hospice with my loved ones present with me as I die. Here was the man who watched me take my first breath, and I was watching him take his last breath. I watched his final heartbeats on the monitor as he took them. In fact, I watched his heartbeat for hours, for days. I decided to order a custom necklace with his last heartbeats to remember him and the special, peaceful experience we had as he took his last breaths. He taught me that death is not a bad thing, not something to fear. He taught me that if I die from this terminal disease, I can do this. I can even do this without him beside me now. And as I take my last breath on earth, I hope I’ll be taking my first breath in Heaven, reunited with my dad.
My dad donated his corneas to help two blind people see. I was looking through the grief resources that came with his certificate. I found the following quote by Stuart Scott, and I have always thought the same: “When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”
I was not able to get my port flushed out of state, so I’ll have to call on Monday to set up an appt. here and just pray the sucker still works. Will let you know as I update again after that appointment. Stay safe, stay humble, and take care, everyone! One day at a time …