How I Have Been Spending My Time Lately

I haven’t written for a while, and I haven’t felt like writing. I am, for the first time, not thinking about cancer at all. I am just living my life. I am living like I don’t have metastatic cancer, and right now, I don’t even care if I do. My dad’s death has really impacted my views on death. I no longer want to worry about it. I kind of just don’t even want to think about it. I have thought about it every day since April 15, 2015, and I no longer want to think about it, at least not until I have to again. My dad’s death reminded me that I still need to get my affairs in order more, and I still need to minimalize my things more, like Swedish Death Cleaning, I guess. Since his death, I  have been obsessive again about trying to do 10,000 things in each day and have been getting frustrated by not having enough hours in the day to accomplish all I have and want to do. I don’t want to leave anything unfinished. But the truth is, as my dad’s death showed me, you can be fine one day and gone the next. Things will never be finished; life will go on.  I’ve come to accept the fact that I won’t know when I’m going to die, I don’t know how I’m going to die, if it’s even from metastatic breast cancer, and there’s nothing I can do about it: Except live. I have started thinking for the first time of working a bit again. I have always felt like if I work again, my time left will go too fast or unappreciated, or I might get stressed, and I’m afraid stress will bring my cancer back. But diving into a new project lately has inspired me and made me feel alive again. I want to work some, I want to create and not be afraid of death and dying from cancer anymore. So, I will try to update some, but right now, I’m just not in the mood to write or think about cancer. I will have another port flush coming up, and time is flying so fast that my next scan will be coming up in May. I’m not thinking or caring much about it right now, but I know I’ll be nervous about this one just because I haven’t been taking good care of myself since my dad’s death. But I will try to take the lessons I have learned from his death and get back on track and take care of myself and live more fearlessly and more inspired again, more alive. Until next time, stay safe and healthy, everyone!