Making My Days Count Instead of Counting My Days

January and February have flown by. With my dad’s death January 1st, I missed starting a new calendar this year. I always like the idea of a new, fresh calendar, full of possibilities. But since my metastatic cancer diagnosis, I start each new calendar with a little bit of anxiety. I flip through it wondering if and when my cancer will come back and if and when I might die.

 I am beyond grateful for another year, though, and this January marked one year since I have gone off treatment! I made it through a year of not having a recurrence off of treatment! It makes me excited that I might be able to make it through another year/s without treatment, but I also have some fear that it will return because this has been a long time off treatment with no recurrence. It’s a mental battle between the statistics and my faith again.

 But I will continue to have faith and continue to believe I have been given a miracle because the past four years have been a miracle. I am living life not really thinking about cancer – I’m so fortunate to be thriving -- but every once in a while, I fear the stress from my dad’s death has brought on a recurrence. I just read a study on Medscape that said stress has been linked to cancer. They needed a study for this?! It has always been pretty obvious to me. 🙄 No, I get it, and I get it, firsthand, that stress can cause cancer.

So, I’m already a little anxious for my next scan. I’m paying attention to every little ache and pain a little too much again. I need the reassurance of another clear scan, but yet I’m dreading it, and I don’t ever want a scan again! I just want to keep living life without treatment. It has been the greatest blessing!

So, after a tough January and February, I am looking forward to the hope that Spring brings. After a tough January and February, I am celebrating life, both mine and my dad’s, and am springing forward again instead of looking back on my dad’s life and all the comforting memories that come with remembering. I am not looking back on the past 10 years of my life battling cancer. I am looking forward and celebrating the life and growth and hope that Spring brings again. Stay safe and healthy, everyone! And think Spring after all these frigid days!