Fall Back, Spring Forward
Today, I am sitting in my comfy recliner at Chemo, and I have the heat turned on in the chair. I am relaxed as I look out the window of my little room and hear the rain falling outside, the lingering effects of the hurricane. I am thinking of how lucky I am and how good I am feeling getting refueled by this medicine I am hoping is still working. I have a few Facebook friends who are also metastatic cancer patients whose health are declining. I can’t help but feel feel their pain, their fears and their tears. I think about my own health that will eventually decline. I worry about the pain I will suffer, the treatments that won’t be so easy as the current one I am on, what the rest of this battle will bring and when it will end and what it will be like. I feel so good each Tuesday when I go to Adoaration, and I know that I am in God’s hands and feel so close to his miracles. Then, these fears creep in during the week, and I wonder if my treatments are working and for how long they will work. I am loving life again, and I am minimalizing every aspect of my life, and I am finding it is affecting me so much more than just eliminating stuff. I am finding more time and more peace in my days, in my life. And I am realizing what I want to concentrate on for the rest of my life, and I am wanting more life. I am busy trying to prepare for when I get sick and can’t do the things I like anymore or even the things I don’t like. I am trying to work on projects I want to complete for my kids, and as I race the clock, I am thinking about the clock and the calendar and the statistics. When I was first diagnosed and heard and read the statistics for a prognosis of triple negative metastatic breast cancer, I figured I would have until just after the holidays. I am now right smack dab in the statistics, and I can’t help but wonder if my health will decline and decline fast once this cancer appears again. I will always have these fears that creep into my thinking. I know I just have to live for today, and today I don’t need to worry. But it is a constant battle for me to live in the present and not wonder about the future. It’s been the hardest part of this battle. I just hope I am mentally prepared and tough when the physical battle begins. My next scan is in December. I am actually looking forward to it this time because I feel like if it shows the cancer is not back yet, I will have more confidence and hope for more time, that thing I will always want more of. I am painfully aware of the clock and the calendar now. And while most people are dreading an hour more of 2020 when we fall back and gain an extra hour of sleep, I will be deeply appreciative of one more hour of life. That’s what’s on my mind regarding cancer this week as I sit here hearing the machine pump my lifesaving drugs into my veins. But, really, despite the occasional fears that pop up during my weeks, I am doing really great. I feel normal, don’t feel many effects from Chemo, and am loving life. I am busy minimalizing and keeping myself busy, which always keeps the fears from settling in. I have a fear of wasting time, so I have been super productive at minimalizing and preparing myself and others for what is to come so that I can truly enjoy what’s important in life at the end of life, my family and my friends. Take care this week, everyone, and stay safe and healthy!