A Whole New World
Things are different out there now. I can feel it already. Things are tougher out there now. But so are we. So am I. The bad things that happen to us make us stronger, and I am feeling pretty strong right now. I am optimistic about my upcoming scan. I don’t feel any differtly inside, despite everything feeling different outside. The only reason I leave my house is for Chemo each week. And this week, today, everything felt different when I got outside. EVERYONE I came across was wearing a mask. That’s great, but it just felt so different and so strange. It feels serious, and it makes me think of the situation I am in too. It’s serious. But, lately, I am just living, and that was easier to do this week because I did not have a single day of side effects! I had moments of nausea, but it wasn’t bad and didn’t last very long. And my rash on my head is back, which is actually good because it is supposed to be a sign of the immunotherapy working. But other than that, no side effects!! It was a good week.
This morning, I flipped through the calendar and got that sinking feeling when I hit December. The calendar is a really hard thing for me to look at, so I need to stop doing it. Maybe I need to be less organized so I stop looking at my calendar?! These days of everyone being home help — I lose track of what day it is all the time now! No appts., other than chemo, no sporting events for the kids, nothing. So, I like it, not having to look at the calendar and flip the pages so often.
One of my sweet former students sent me a mask this week. It was so good to hear from her. She reached out after reading my blog, and it meant so much. It’s so funny that toilet paper and face masks make the most special, thoughtful, unselfish gifts now! So, here I sit at Chemo today wearing my mask. I am thinking about all the nurses and doctors who have to wear these things all day. Not thinking too much about cancer. Now that I have Adoration twice a week, I have a lot of time to think about things, process them, and pray about them. And I always leave feeling calm and blessed and like things are going to be OK. Whether I live or die, I really can’t lose. So, why do I get so fearful and anxious sometimes? I think I just want more time, and I always will. I don’t think I will be able to get over that one or change my thinking about it. I will be able to die peacefully when it is my time, but I will always want more time.
My next scan is sneaking up on me. It is already in a couple weeks. I am feeling really good and positive about it, so I hope I don’t get blindsided. I have tried to go into them almost expecting the worst, or preparing for the worst, so that I am prepared and that good news is just bonus. But I am feeling good about this one, so I am just going to go with it.
I guess we are not starting the bone strengthener yet as my vitamin D is still too low. I get a new prescription, a stronger one, today, so, hopefully, it will come up next week. I am also going to be starting a medication to try to make my hot flashes/flushing better. Hope it works! I do have them a lot, but they’re just annoying, so I don’t mention them when I talk about my symptoms.
So, overall, feeling strong and optimistic this week. Hopefully, I won’t have any symptoms again this weekend cuz I have a lot of cleaning to do this weekend. It’s hard to keep up with the house when everybody is always home! Everyone, stay safe and stay healthy, and I’ll update next Thursday!
OK, the man sitting next to me today just said he has been going through treatment for eight years. He says he is grateful to still be alive. This man just gave me more hope! I love chemo because it is relaxing and makes me feel strong getting refueled, and I love it because it is nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing. 💗