Storing Up Treasures
First, I want to apologize. I have tried twice to set it up so that you can get notified when I post a new post, and I know some of you have not been getting notifications when I post something new. I’m going to give up! Just know that I normally post on Thursdays at chemo now since things are going along well for now. Today is my day off of chemo, so nothing new to report on my health, so I am going to write more of what is on my mind about cancer this week.
We’re settling into life with the virus out there, so I have stopped thinking about and worrying about coronavirus now. Not that I’m still not concerned about it; I’m just not letting it weigh on my mind so much. We’ve settled into a sort of routine, we know what precautions to take, and we’re just living this strange new life now. So, cancer has been on my mind a little more lately again.
Mostly, I am still “unnesting,” I’ll call it. I feel like a mother who is preparing her house for her child, only I am doing the opposite. I am preparing my house and my husband and kids for when I am not here. I don’t know why I am so insistent on letting go of things — things I don’t want my family to have to go through and deal with when I am gone and things with memories attached to them that are close to my heart. It hasn’t been easy for me to do.
I have been doing some Bible journaling at Adoration to gather up some more faith, and I came across a quote that I have been thinking about: “There are no U-hauls behind hearses.” — John Piper. I guess I have been trying to “unload” my earthly treasures because, well, because I don’t know. I just think it’s important to me right now for whatever reason. I am trying to get rid of material things and the things in life I want to have closure on and peace with. I may have written this before, but my grandmother once said to our whole family, “I hope God forgives me because I have stored up all my treasures on earth, for you are all my treasures.” That has always stayed with me. And I know my real treasures are my family and friends and the memories we all have, and that is what I want to take with me. So, all the rest is becoming less important to me. And, so I’ve been busy purging lots of things, inside and out. Guess this is one lesson cancer has been teaching me. Look for the lessons, right?
I also wanted to write about someone I met online this week who has become an instant inspiration to me. We went to the same high school, and she was in my sister’s class. I did not know her, but a mutual friend got us in touch. She has metastatic breast cancer, as well. She is someone who knows exactly what I am going through, and it is so comforting to know that she understands, that she’s going through the same thing herself, and that I have an example of how to live with this diagnosis. Just through a couple of email exchanges, I have more hope. I won’t go into details for privacy, but she has been fighting this much longer than me and much harder than me. And, while she is human and hasn’t always been positive, she is extremely positive. She’s just a ray of hope to me. And even if I never heard from her again, she has already helped me on my journey, and I’m so grateful to have someone who is going through the same thing and who sets such a positive example of how to live with this disease. It’s like she’s a gift from my Aunt Deb and Aunt Carol, who can’t be here anymore to show me how to do this with faith, positivity and grace. They’ve already shown me that, they’re not suffering anymore, and I know they’re up there looking after me.
And speaking of faith. I am in such a good place lately. I feel blessed for this time when my cancer is stable and not growing or spreading. I know it is preparation for me because I know that, really, this battle has barely even begun for me. I am strengthening my faith, getting into better health, mentally preparing, and, yes, even “unnesting” for what will eventually come. Right now, I am grateful for where I am in this battle, and I will take it for as long as I can!
Next Thursday, I will meet with my doctor again. Hopefully, my Vitamin D level has come up so I can start the bone strengthening medication. I will also meet with my new palliative care doctor while at chemo. Will update on everything from the Chemo Cafe next week! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!