Fighting My Own Thoughts
I had a rough couple of days after chemo this week. I felt awful. I was nauseated, weak, had what I describe as my Chemo headache (a very distinct feeling headache I always get after chemo), and I had a rough night of coughing. My mind began to wander — was it chemo, allergies, CoVid, a combination of them? It’s amazing how your thoughts can change so quickly when you’re not feeling well. I have always tried to be strong and positive in this journey so far, but I had some negative thoughts when I wasn’t feeling good — like I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, this isn’t life, etc. I knew it would be temporary, which is what got me through it, but my mind began to wander about the future — what will it be like in the future, with constant pain and different treatments? What would happen to my quality of life? I began to wonder about quantity vs. quality of my life. Probably because we wrote our will this weekend. I began to wonder what my fight would be like, how much fight I have in me, how long I will fight, if I even want to fight once life won’t be the same for me anymore. And then, I joined an online support group for those with metastatic cancer. I saw posts from people who were suffering, I heard about differing symptoms, and I heard from those who were struggling, physically and mentally. And I had to check myself. I didn’t want to get sucked into any negative thoughts yet because I am not there yet. I have to focus on my present, today, when I am feeling so good and am hardly even in the fight yet. I need to stay positive while I can because I want to stay doing so well for as long as I can. The support group is good for posting questions, for finding out about treatments and hearing from others who are going through what I am going through. I just have to be careful and not check it too often or dwell on or wonder about the future. Because the truth is my present is pretty great, and I want to appreciate it for as long as I can.
I think I got sick after this treatment because one of my drugs was run over 1/2 hour instead of an hour?? I’m not sure, but it was the only thing that had changed. I will ask about it at chemo on Thursday to see if that’s even a possibility. I am also having a hard time with all this heat and humidity (more nausea and hot flashes/flushing), so maybe that is what was going on after chemo?
The good news is that I am feeling much better, back to myself today. I have a cute tshirt I got from Metavivor.org, a great site I have checked out a couple of times. I’ll post a pic of the tshirt maybe on Thursday when I post my blog because it has a great message about METS. Anyway, I decided to look up local support groups on the site this week, and here Metavivor is in Annapolis!! Of all the places in the country! I am fearful to join because of my social anxiety, but I would like to connect with others who are living their lives with METS. So, for now, I have joined the online support group in hopes that it will inspire me at some point to join the Metavivor group in Annapolis.
So, that’s where my thoughts are at the past few days since treatment. Still have some scanxiety already for next week’s scans, especially since reading the posts on the support group page. But, the one thing that I have taken away from the group so far is that there are soooo many people living their lives with METS — they’re hoping, dreaming and living their busy lives, just like me. And it feels good to connect.