Life’s A Dance You Learn As You Go 💃

I am settled into chemo and have a seat by the window again. It’s a bright, sunny day, and I’m feeling relaxed. I am wearing a long sweatshirt, leggings and flats today, so I’m feeling casual and comfortable and ready to get refueled. Usually, I am probably the most dressed up one at chemo because I try to just make it part of my regular day, and I just wear what I am wearing for the day being out and about. There will be plenty of times for wanting to be as comfortable at chemo as possible later in this journey. Right now, I can still “dress up” for chemo, so I do. But, it does feel good to be a bit more casual and comfy today. I am learning to relax and admit that this is always a half-a-day affair. I like to get in and out of chemo and make it as small a part of my day as possible. But I’m learning to be more a more patient patient and just try to make the best of some time to myself. We started looking at places to move in downtown Annapolis last week. It was kind of exciting. We’re going to be empty nesters soon, and the possibility of living in a city and walking to restaurants, the water, and entertainment sounds good. I have learned to like the rural Life in Maryland, but I’m ready to be closer to civilization and Target again! And I’d be closer to chemo and my doctors’ offices, so that would be really nice.  

Well, I’ve always said that I have wanted to be honest about my feelings about what I’m going through with cancer and tell what it’s really like to be going through it. So, today, I am going to be real about something I have been struggling with lately. I have been seeing a counselor about something not related to cancer, but she has been helping me with cancer stuff, too. She’s awesome and is helping me with pre-grief, accepting this diagnosis and just getting through this journey. I’ve found it to be a battle with myself sometimes, a mental battle, not just a physical one. So, here’s what I am struggling with lately: the few days after chemo. I hate them. I call them my Recovery Days. I feel blah from Thursday through Saturday after chemo lately. I can’t complain because it’s only for a few days, and it is nothing compared to what other cancer patients go through and what I might go through on a different regimen. I have a really great regimen right now, and I am thankful. But I still hate Recovery Days. Not because of the pain or the nausea but because I feel that resting, napping … recovery … is just wasting precious days, that they make me feel really lazy and unmotivated when my husband is doing so much to pick up for my slack, and that I hate when I am not able to do things that I normally could do and that I can’t keep up with everything that needs to get done or I want to get done. I feel like I spend a week catching up on everything I didn’t get done on my recovery days, and then I have to do it all over again after each infusion. It is what it is, and I am alive, so I should be grateful. But I don’t like these Recovery Days at all. My counselor is teaching me to be more compassionate toward myself. I need to see rest as a good thing, a necessary thing, for my body. So, this week, I am going to try using my forced downtime for some good self care. I am going to use it to read, edit, journal, do my nails, or something  … maybe even nap … to try to see this as a nice time for myself instead of torture for three days. Don’t be surprised to see another blog post from me in the next few days. If I’m bored or frustrated by having to lay around all day, I may use the time to blog! 

And today I am testing out a theory. My immunotherapy bag says to run it over one hour. Sometimes, they run it over a half an hour, which is my preference because I am out of here sooner! But, I have been  wondering if it is the times they run it over ½ hour that I feel sicker for the few days after chemo/immuno. Today, my nurse is running it over an hour, so we’ll see how I feel the next few days after chemo. I’ll let you know if I end up writing again in the next few days. 

I have been feeling nauseated during and after treatment the past few times, as well, despite getting anti-nausea premeds, so today I bought Jolly Ranchers (my favorite candy EVER), and it has helped tremendously, so that’s a winner! I have been drinking zero-sugar Ginger Ales for the few days after chemo, and that helps a lot, as well. 

So, I am going to kick back in this recliner, enjoy the sun shining through the window, and rest and relax, thinking about how I’m going to ENJOY the next few days of forced relaxation and self care! 😜 Stay safe and healthy, everyone!