Same But Different

All settled into chemo. It’s dreary outside today, so it will be a good day to write, so sorry if this gets too long today!

I like this saying today. I know the odds are not good this time around, but I’m gonna try surviving a second time! New goal! And new point in time for me to strive for as I can’t come up with any one thing I want to try to make it till.

I’m feeling great. Just a little pain up my spine lately and when I swim, especially, but I think it’s just because I got out of going to the chiropractor during COVID, and I really need to go back. But it has me a little worried, too, because I know the spine is a common site for metastasis.

I just read an article about surviving breast cancer, and one woman was quoted, saying that it was years before she stopped thinking about breast cancer every single day. I am trying to just live every day like everything is fine because it is right now, but I still think about it every single day. I wonder if there will be a time when I don’t anymore. I used to check my body for lumps and bumps every single day, but eventually, I relaxed on that. Hopefully, someday, I’ll be able to stop thinking about cancer every day. I mostly just try to live each day to its fullest, being grateful all day long, but cancer is always in the back of my mind or affecting something during my day.

For so long, I have worked on accepting this diagnosis and accepting that I might die “young” from this disease. But now, I’m back to just living life, and I realize that while I can be at peace with death from metastatic cancer, I want to live. I have goals and dreams again.

I want to be happy in all the hustle and bustle of life, but I want time to slow down at the same time. My husband is busy. My daughter is busy. I’m busy. Right now, I am just trying to balance slowing down and savoring every minute of life with just living. I also am living with a little fear that if I get back to just living, and I forget for one day to be grateful, my cancer will come back. So, I’m trying to practice something to be grateful for in every situation In every day. I’m noticing more. I guess I’m stopping to smell the roses and such more often now.

I have my favorite nurse today, and she will run my immunotherapy over an hour and my chemo over an hour, which seems to have solved my nausea problem. So, this past infusion, I had absolutely no side effects!! My knees have gotten better, either through swimming again or by taking Claritin every day now (a little miracle pill, in my opinion!, and I don’t even take it for allergies!). They just give me problems going upstairs at night.

I am super excited to be part of a Johns Hopkins study. I don’t know too much about it right now other than it will be for 12 weeks and it has to do with exercise and symptom management. I go up to Baltimore next week to get started. I’ve been a part of two studies now, and I am totally for being a part of anything that might help cancer patients in the future, and I’m hoping I even get some personal benefit from this study. At least it will keep me accountable for daily exercise for three months!!

I also keep forgetting to mention, I think?🤪—chemo brain! — that I found an awesome toxin-free nail wraps company, Polish Pops, (www.polishpops.com) and the gel wraps, in particular, are saving my nails and allowing me to have longer nails again! So, if you are on chemo and have problems with your nails, I HIGHLY recommend Polish Pops! #polishpops

I started my daily Claritin and probiotic and am feeling great, so hopefully the Claritin will keep my immunotherapy working for a long time!! 🙏

I meet with my primary care doctor within the next couple weeks for a routine checkup, so that will be good to keep him in the loop. Will report if he finds anything cancer-related, maybe some sort of side effect or something, if anything.

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day, and I was complaining about how slow of a swimmer I am now and how hard it is starting over, and he said that I needed to give myself a break because I’m trying to do so many things, and I am fighting cancer/going through treatment. I thought about it, and it was advice I needed to hear … and take. I think I needed to hear it from someone else, out loud, because it was my dad being compassionate toward me, and I have not been very compassionate with myself through all these years of fighting cancer. So, I’m thinking about a new word — GRACE — lately. People tell me I have shown grace during my cancer journey. I realize I need to show myself more compassion and grace. I need to accept that I am not the swimmer I used to be (it’s been TWELVE years since I swam every day), I need to accept that I do not have to get everything done before I die, and I need to just focus on living in the present, one day at a time. I have been doing that, or so I thought, but I’ve been doing it all wrong — putting too much pressure on myself. I have been reading a book on perfectionism, and there is a saying in there: Done is Better Than Perfection. I am applying this saying to everything now — my writing, my exercising and even cleaning my house. And I have a new motto for this part of my cancer journey. Done is Better Than Perfection. If I can do this, I will be able to live with metastatic cancer better and show myself more grace and compassion.

Well, that’s all I can think of for now! 🤪 Doing great! Have a scan in a month, and I think I’ll have a scan at the beginning of this study, too — soon — so if I learn anything, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, I’ll write after my primary care appt. and/or from chemo in two weeks! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!