Mental Musings
I didn’t write yesterday from chemo because chemo actually went too fast! I am going to make my daughter a quilt for her dorm room with some fabric I found with her college theme, and I was trying to find just the right fabrics and notions to put it together. I ordered everything when I got home as I rested. It has become routine for me now to have two “bad days” after chemo. I get a chemo headache and am nauseated and achy. I usually am nauseated on the way home from chemo; I think it’s my husband’s crazy driving (!), on all these hilly, curvy roads of Calvert County. But it’s more likely hunger and dehydration combined with chemo or something! I get home and sleep for a few hours. I can’t complain about having to rest and not feel good for a couple of days because I have 12 days of feeling great after that, and, for now, the good days outweigh the bad days by far. It’s mostly mental instead of physical right now. I HATE the days when I can’t get anything done. My mind is going, going, going, but my body is soooooooo tired and just wants to lay around. I hate it. I really need an attitude adjustment with this. I mean it sounds great – a forced break where I can sit around taking good self-care. But I think I’d only enjoy that on the beach. In my house, I feel like a prisoner when I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel extremely lazy, even though I know I should be more compassionate with myself since my body is going through a lot and has to rest at some point during my chemo cycles. I know this is going to be a problem for me when this cancer comes back and I lose more good days on a different treatment or lose the ability to do things the sicker I get. I really need to be more accepting of these down days, but I’m just not ready to give into them. I have too much living to do. And on my 12 good days after chemo, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I have really gotten to a point where I just live again, and I don’t really think of cancer too much, or I don’t worry about it too much anymore, at least. I’ve been enjoying summer. But it’s going too fast!! Two more chemo sessions, and it will be Fall. Hard to believe!
Other updates: I felt good this last time after taking Zometa!! I think it helps that I’m taking Claritin every day now. And, I got a new military ID with a new photo, which I was looking forward to because I had hair this time and did not have to wear a wig! That felt good, even though it was the most humid day of the year, and my hair and my picture turned out HORRIBLY! Oh, well! I don’t think I’ve ever taken a good ID picture anyway! My hair is down to my shoulders now, and I love looking like myself again in the mirror or in photos. Sooooo, sooooo grateful for my hair! It helps me look and feel more “normal” while going through treatment. So, still focusing on my blessings, and trying not to fight the blues on my down days. Today is one of them, so I am down in my office writing instead of sitting in front of the TV. Makes me feel a little better. 😊 Will update again from chemo in two weeks! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!