Viva Italia!

I just had to write today because I haven’t felt this good in a long time, mentally or physically. Now that I am feeling so good again, I am realizing what a toll treatment for the past four years had taken on me. I didn’t realize I was almost in a funk, feeling wiped out and tired and frustrated by my lack of energy and not being able to keep up with everything and everyone. And I didn’t realize just how bad of shape I had gotten into physically. My iwatch is notifying me constantly lately about improvements in my health – my number of daily steps has increased, my heart rate has lowered, the number of calories I burn a day has increased, etc. It’s just weird that I feel so much better but to actually see the numbers and just how much they’re improving is really motivating me to push myself harder to get back into good health, especially before this cancer comes back at some point. I am constantly craving more pool time to just tread water. I’m back up to an hour a day, and I am working up to swimming again at some point. I’m lifting some light weights again, and I’m taking more steps and staying up off the couch WAY more than I could on treatment. I’m not winded going up my stairs anymore, and I run up and down them without a second thought instead of asking someone if they could please go up or down to get me something because I don’t have the energy. I saw my cardiologist a couple of weeks ago for my irregular sinus tachycardia, and he said my numbers are improving, so he’s not going to put me on medication for it right now. I’m thrilled that I am getting back to normal more and more every day. I cannot even express how good it feels. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever about taking a chemo break anymore. If my cancer comes back next week, and I only get one more month to live, it will have been worth the break just to have lived, really lived again, for these months I’ve been off treatment. Of course, now that I am off treatment and feeling sooooo GOOD, I want more time. When I was on treatment, I always thought I would appreciate every day and that I could not ask for more time because I have already been given so much more than I imagined. Now, I am living each day with gratitude, but I can’t help but want more time feeling this good.

And today was a really good day. We booked our trip to Italy. I haven’t been this excited about something in a long time. In fact, I can’t even concentrate on anything else today, so I’m blogging. Ever since my childhood, when my beloved Italian grandma would make big spaghetti dinners with giant meatballs for my entire family for all the holidays at her house, I have wanted to go to Italy. It has always been Number One on my bucket list. I made my bucket list today. It’s something I haven’t wanted to do since being diagnosed with cancer because I was afraid that I would die if I completed everything on my list. But, making my list today, I realized that I have already done most of what has been on the bucket list of my life, except going to Italy. And now I’m going. I am going to make it to Italy before I die. I am going to the region my ancestors came from. It’s a big feeling, a bittersweet feeling. I am ecstatic to be going, but I feel like I can die afterward, and I don’t want to admit that to my body in case it listens!

My bucket list stems from my childhood. I’ve always been a dreamer, and these were my dreams for my future. I think I’ve done pretty good on my list.

12. Swim with dolphins. Did that in Key West. And swam with manatees, which was not on my list but was even better!

11. Teach English abroad. I never taught English abroad but taught English to many nonnative speakers and international students.

10. Drive a Jeep. Not only did I get to drive one once, I got to own two. Now, I’m dreaming of No. 3!

9. Become a journalist or a teacher. I was blessed to be both!

8. Meet Jane Pauley. I was lucky to meet her at a school conference here in DC when I was a student at the University of Minnesota. I never had actors or musicians on posters on my bedroom walls when I was a little girl, but I did have a framed magazine cover with Jane on it. Still have it.

7. Meet Princess Diana. I’ve been a fan since I was a little girl and would never get the opportunity to meet her. Would love to meet Harry or William someday. And would absolutely love to meet Kate, who I can identify with now. But I know this is something that’s just not going to happen, so I’m OK just having it on my Bucket List.

6.  Have a dog. I have two to love and spoil! Would love another, but my husband would leave me or kill me!

5. Live near the water. I’d never heard of the Coast Guard until I moved out East. Ironic that I married a Coastguardsman as it is nearly impossible to not live near the water! We’ve been lucky enough to live near the water in several places in Virginia and Florida, South Carolina and DC.

4. Get married and have kids. Got married 23 years ago and have been on an adventure ever since! We make good partners and have a lot of respect for each other. We weren’t able to have biological kids, but God had other plans for us with the adoption of our three Polish kids, and the adventure continues!

3. Visit a Spanish-speaking country. I was fortunate enough to spend a month in Colombia when my husband was working down there.

2. Write a book. It’s written. Now I need to get published. Working on six books simultaneously. I am trying to tell myself it’s OK if I never finish them and I die without getting published. But it’s still a big goal of mine.

1. Travel to Italy. It has been booked! As of today!!

So, that’s my life, summed up in a dozen Bucket List items. I feel good about my list, good about my life. I am at peace with everything past, present and future. I just need to make it to Italy, and I can die happy, whether that’s just after my next scan when I get back from my trip, or whether it’s many years down the road. Right now, to get to Italy, I need my next two blood draws to be good. I need to keep my cancer markers low. And while I am learning to accept that I am not in control of this cancer, I am going to do everything in my power – like eating naturally, drinking alcohol only occasionally, working out daily, and thinking positively -- I am not going to take this increase in energy for granted, and I am going to use every ounce of it!

Thanks for being on this journey with me through all its ups and downs. Thankfully, I am in a period of ups. Hope it stays that way through Italy and until my next scan in November. Stay safe and healthy, everyone! Salute!